More seriously, there's a long bout of silence because she just. Has absolutely no idea how to answer this question. Where did this question come from? Why would anyone feel romantic feelings towards her? The very idea of it is so far removed from how she sees herself and others around her that she's struggling to even imagine what this would be like, even as a purely hypothetical situation.
Her thought routines have probably never gotten such a thorough exercise. If Pod was here, it'd probably be giving a warning about how hard she's thinking about this.]
... I don't think a human would ever say something like that to me. [????? AFTER ALL HER THINKING, THAT'S THE BEST SHE'S GOT.]
[The answer isn't entirely unexpected. After all, 9S couldn't imagine it either, when presented with the same hypothetical situation months ago. It seemed outlandish enough that he couldn't even picture it, and discounted it as something that wouldn't ever happen. Such a thing doesn't make sense.
And yet, despite that...
Maybe there really is no good answer, but 9S tries again, because he's pretty lost. And he doesn't think this is something he can really bring to A2. They're learning how to simply exist around one another and this is well beyond that]
Say they did, anyway, even if you didn't understand how. And they don't care that you're an android and they're not. How would you answer a thing like that?
[She's really trying to help him out here, but ????????????? of all the things he could've asked, romance might've been the absolute last thing she expected!! Where is 6O when they need her honestly.]
... I guess it would depend on if I returned the feelings? [Except no, she can't fathom a situation where she would return romantic feelings. For anyone really, let alone a human. Especially a human. It just wouldn't be appropriate in her eyes. So she quickly amends that.] No, I would explain to them that I couldn't return their feelings because it's inappropriate.
[What she says first comes as a surprise. He almost thinks to question it, but she corrects herself, and he lets his focus drift to his boots. That's how a YoRHa would answer such a thing, isn't it? And here, he had failed once again to measure up to that expectation, where 2B steadfastly managed]
I suppose that's true.
[Maybe, as with so many inconvenient things, it was better to bury whatever he might feel. That is, if he could figure out what it was. He doesn't know why he finds her answer disappointing, but he chalks it up to the simple fact that once again he isn't the way he's supposed to be.
Would she think less of him, if she knew something like that? If she knew all the areas in which he fell short of expectations? These thoughts are far too easy to become mired in, and he stares at his boots longer than he realizes]
[His silence only makes her frown, unsure of what to do here. She thinks her response was simple, but he seems dissatisfied with it. Sure, it's not like this is the first time he's been dissatisfied with her logical answer when he was probably hoping for something a little more emotional. Still, this feels different. And what could've prompted him asking this in the first place?
Unless... She's no Scanner model, but she knows this question couldn't have come from nowhere.]
9S. [She says his name softly. Honestly, even if she turns out to be right, she's not sure what she's supposed to do in this situation. But knowing what the situation even is would be the first step in figuring things out, right?] Was there a human who told you that? That they had romantic feelings for you?
[As a hypothetical inquiry, it was far too specific, wasn't it? 9S frowns at himself, never a particular fan of transparency where he doesn't intend it. But he's going to have to be anyway, isn't he? As difficult as this topic is for him to navigate, it's not quite the same as the baggage he's allowed to pile up between them for such a very long time. It was so much safer, leaving all of these things alone]
Mm, just a little while ago. [Which might even be overstating it. Jude hadn't been gone for very long by the time 9S decided he didn't know how to begin approaching such a subject, and there are very few here who understand what a YoRHa unit's life is like. The standards placed on them are ones he has never lived up to, not in the privacy of his own mind, but even so] I don't...nothing's really expected of me, or anything like that, but...
[In a way, he thinks, that patience and understanding extended to him makes the situation worse. He pulls his knees against his chest, wrapping his arms around them. And still, his boots are far easier to look at]
I'm not sure how I— [Feel, but he cuts himself short of saying the word. Corrects himself] What I think about it.
[And that's all she says at first. If she thought she needed time to gather her thoughts for his first question, that was nothing compared to this. She's curious as to who might've told him that, but ultimately, it doesn't matter, does it? Not for helping him right now, anyways.
Although it's not like she knows how to help him here either. For as much as 9S dismissed YoRHa's creed about emotions, something like this is entirely different from what they're used to. Some androids pursued romance with each other, sure, but they weren't them. Besides, from what she saw, it rarely ever went well. Death in combat was always just a single mission away. She doesn't think they were really in a situation or environment that could hope to encourage romance.
She notes the way he cuts himself off though, and she can guess what he might've said there. Even if she did uphold the image YoRHa wanted for them, she's not sure it's a good thing, to be the way she is. All her life, she's been their perfect soldier, stoic and professional, and what did that get her? Her status as an executioner.
But that's all in the past now. It's supposed to be. Maybe they should keep that in mind.]
... YoRHa doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. Emotions aren't prohibited. [The only rules they have are the ones they've made for themselves. 9S has always embraced feelings better than she does, and she sees no reason for that not to be the same even here.] So what do you feel about it?
[2B's words are surprising enough that 9S lifts his head to look at her, though all he manages is to stare for a long moment. Of all the things she might have said, he didn't anticipate something like this. Not from the soldier who did her duty no matter how much it pained her, time after time. And he knows it now, just how very true that is. Just how many times she had carried out orders dutifully regardless of herself.
Hearing something like that from her, could he be anything but shocked? Her question drifts into his awareness belatedly, in the wake of that. It's the same thing he's been asking himself since he was confronted with that reality, but his thought routines haven't settled in what he would consider a very cohesive response.
Still, he tries. Because 2B is trying to help him, despite doubtless being just as lost on such matters as he is. Perhaps more, even]
Confused...and warm, mostly. And worried.
[Because it's so far beyond the realm of his experience. Other YoRHa may have fraternized, but neither he nor 2B had indulged in such things. Considering just how often they had died, and considering their individual natures, it wasn't so surprising. 9S can easily imagine other units may have admired 2B in that way though, and maybe someone had]
I don't know how someone can know what I am, and what that means, and just...not disregard it, exactly, but not consider it that big of a deal either.
[There was little choice available to her back then. On top of that, there was nothing else for her in that seemingly neverending cycle. She did her duty, and even if she was given a chance to go back and change it, she's not sure she would. Everything that happened was what led to this, for better or worse.
And her duty was over now. All of that was over now. They had no reason to cling to it any longer.]
I don't know either.
[Which isn't a slight against him or whoever confessed to him, but she's sure 9S will get what she means. They're androids meant to serve humanity. For a human to feel that strongly about one of them is odd. For an android to return that... There's something deep in her programming that tells her it's not appropriate, at the very least.
But this is Nines she's talking to. If he really did feel that way towards a human, she's not sure she would reproach him for it. If it made him happy and didn't hurt anyone, who was she to argue?]
They know that you're not... Familiar with these sorts of things, right?
[Maybe he'll never really understand it, how any human could see him that way. Even knowing that gaps in distinction hadn't really held Jude back before, having heard about Milla in the past, there's something surreal about it. The difference might be that humans don't have core programming like androids do. They aren't hard-wired to accept certain realities regardless of what they feel or think about them.
It could easily be that, or something far more individual. He doesn't know which it is, but that's immaterial at this point. The conversation they'd had told him all he needed to know about it, maybe even more, because he'd felt entirely overwhelmed. A human valuing him in such a way is...]
Yeah, they know... [He keeps references to this human neutral, if only because it's simplest] I've told them about YoRHa before, and a little about my life. What we are, what that means, those kinds of things. I don't think the original plan was to tell me just then, or maybe even at all, but it sort of just happened.
[And now he's left thinking in circles over it. How something like that is even possible, despite being told in detail about those sentiments, still eludes him]
[She feels... conflicted, on how to reply. "Someone like me." If he means as an android, she understands, but it feels like there's something else to that statement. Putting aside the fact that this person is human, why couldn't someone come to care for 9S? Maybe this isn't in a way that either of them are used to, but saying "someone like me" just feels... She doesn't like it.
Maybe that's not what he means though. Even if it is, she has no idea how to even begin asking about something like that. The main issue here, she thinks, is that 9S is an android and this person is a human.
For some people here, that's a minor detail, but to her (and she thinks for 9S as well), it's insurmountable.]
It's possible, I guess. [They have the proof right in front of them, but even as just an outside party, she has a hard time really picturing it.] Do you know if... Do you think that maybe one day, just maybe, you could feel similarly?
[9S can't deny that the possibility of being viewed that way exists, now. He was faced with it not long ago, and it remains vivid in his mind. How that happened might forever remain mysterious to him, but he's pretty sure what was said to him, and what was expressed, was earnest enough. That's what makes it so baffling.
He's an android, but more than that, he's... Well. In the time he'd been without 2B, he'd realized for himself his own capacity for cruelty, among so much else he'd rather others never saw. A2 had seen that side of him, seen his anger and despair, and his inability to overcome the loss of everything that held true meaning to him.
Was that sort of person even suitable?
2B's question is what drags him back from those thoughts, where he might otherwise become absorbed in them. He thinks about that, looking out at the sea just beyond the shore. An island in a sea in the middle of nowhere, and still, it's a human having feelings for him that's so difficult to understand]
I think... [9S starts, only to halt himself again] It's a possibility, although I... Even having it explained to me, I'm not sure how I'd know it.
[If he came to feel that way, or if he felt anything like that already. Some of what was described to him seemed familiar, but he isn't sure whether it's the same thing. But 2B asked about similarity and that, at least, he can answer to]
[Maybe she might get a better understanding from that? Because as she is now, she really has no idea how you might confirm that you have romantic feelings either... Then again, if even 9S couldn't properly understand it from the explanation, she's not sure she'll do any better.]
[It's a little embarrassing think back on, and although 9S surely recalls every word because of what he is, they're no less difficult for him to repeat. His shoulders hunch, and he's grateful anew for the presence of his goggles, because it's a little easier knowing he doesn't have to worry about his face all that much]
It's, well... [Going to be a halting process to get through this] Being around me makes them warm, I guess? And it means a lot to them when I smile or laugh, for some reason. They're close with other people, but it's sort of different with me? Like some things I thought they did with everyone they...don't, actually. Those sorts of things.
[He finds it even more confusing, looking back on it. There are things he can understand, but the way it adds up is...]
That warmth thing in particular, I can sort of understand? Although I think they're the source of that rather than me. I mean, I think that's true of you too, but I wouldn't characterize it in exactly the same way. It's strange.
[There's a moment where her brow furrows behind her goggles, but it smoothes away quickly. Despite reaffirming it a number of times already, she just. Doesn't quite understand why he thinks so fondly of her. So warmly. Sometimes it's reassuring to remember that despite everything that's happened between them, but other times, she just doesn't see it. As much as she wants to, it makes him almost harder to understand.
But that's not important right now. Besides, that's an issue she doesn't think she'll ever get sorted out anyways.]
So what you mean to them is different from what other people mean to them, and they treat you in a special manner because of it. [That makes a certain degree of sense to her, like the warmth thing.] For some reason.
[The why of it is really what has her lost though. Then again, the why of how anyone comes to like another person would probably be difficult to explain. Why did so many executioner models come to care for their targets despite knowing they would kill them? That was just something out of their control. Maybe romantic feelings were similar.
But those were also cases of just androids. A human coming to care for an android like that is particularly difficult for her to wrap her mind around.]
If you're not sure if you can determine whether or not you have those feelings, maybe you should tell them that. [Although she wouldn't want to upset this person either.]
[2B gets to the heart of the matter so easily. Sometimes 9S wishes he had her knack for concision, but it's something to distinctly her that it'd be strange on anybody else. He can only nod at first, aware that she's right; the only thing he can do is be frank about his circumstances.
Although, in his case, that's certainly easier said than done]
Right... [He'll just have to figure out how to express that] I guess that's really the only thing I can do, in this situation.
[The more he thinks about it, the more he finds himself unsure. If that's the case, there isn't much for it but to admit he's out of his depth, much as a part of him hates that as a Scanner. Being well-informed is supposed to be his job, but in this realm he's rather at a loss]
Thanks, 2B.
[If only the rest were as simple as this. He chews his lip, debating how he ought to broach the subject, by far a weightier matter for all that it entails, and he can't imagine an outcome that doesn't involve hurting her]
You're welcome. [Not that she feels like she really did much here honestly, but if it helped him sort out his thoughts better somehow, she's glad. She only wants the best for him, after all. Whatever that might mean in this case.] I hope things... That things work out the best way they can, when you tell them that.
[She's rooting for you 9S!!! For your happiness!!!! And that he maintains a positive relationship with this human, lbr here keeping humans happy is still a priority even in a situation like this.]
Was there something that prompted their confession though? [She can't help but be at least a little curious. Then again, if 6O was anyone to go by, maybe confessions just sprang up out of nowhere.] If you don't mind telling me, that is.
[Given the nature of this situation, she'll understand if it's something he considers to be private.]
[Well, there it is, a perfect opening. 9S couldn't ask for a better segue into the matter at hand, and yet he finds himself hesitant still yet. He worries at his lip, pensive silence settling heavily over him as he tries to arrange his thoughts. The answer is simple, but at the same time, it comes with such gravity that he knows it is anything but that in truth]
I...transmitted something about myself. Something I hadn't meant to, since I didn't want to upset them.
[And yet he'd failed, in the midst of that argument. He was trying so hard to get Jude to understand why he was so determined about the subject and he wasn't getting through to him, but he still regrets that he let that thought slip. His frustration had gotten the better of him and it should not have.
His line of sight remains riveted to his boots]
What I...expressed...was how often I remember dying. How often I...lacked the strength to fight.
[And he thinks from that much alone, 2B can easily discern what it means. Still, the fear of where those thoughts could lead, what they could dig up and how much they might hurt her, prompt him to apologize. He knows he has to tell her, because one day, Jude might ask why it would be that he'd died time and time again, and if she heard about it that way, he couldn't forgive himself]
I...I'm sorry. It wasn't something I ever meant to...
2B turns her head from him towards the sea silently, almost mechanically. Somehow, some way, he knows. He remembers every bit of pain she's caused him, every instance he met her only for her to kill him again. He remembers every time she stabbed him in the back, every time she snuffed his life out despite how desperately he tried to live. The endless cycle she thought she bore alone is suddenly shared, and she can't fathom how he can stand to look at her without despising every fiber of her being.
She can't even look at herself without seeing that.
Suddenly, all she can think about was how relieved she was when she died. 9S was safe, and she didn't have to hurt him anymore. She didn't have to hurt anymore. Their endless cycle was finally over once she closed the loop with herself. Here, 9S would be safe. A2 was here, and whoever cared for 9S enough to confess would surely take care of him too. She didn't have to hurt him anymore. With all that said, was there any reason for her to still have to hurt like this?
It occurs to her that there isn't.
So she stands up, walking easily towards the ocean. She doesn't stop until she's in the water, struggling to put one foot in front of the other despite her weight. When her foot finally steps into nothing, the waves easily tipping her forward to let the water drag her under, she slips beneath the surface with a smile.
She's always felt like she'd be crushed by the sheer pain of these feelings alone. It'd be fitting if it was literal.
[There's a brief, terrifying moment where she considers purposefully misunderstanding his words. YoRHa died all the time, rebooted and reloaded into another body with barely a moment's lag in between death and reactivation. As a Scanner model, 9S especially had a tendency to die out on the field frequently. Still, there was hardly any need for concern when it was never permanent. Dying over and over was something completely normal, and certainly not something worth another person's distress and worry.
It would be easy to leave it at that and never bring up the topic again. It would be all too easy not to face the weight of her crimes.
But she's the one who asked, isn't she? And if she's being honest with herself, she's been waiting a long, long time to pay for her crimes. To repent for her sins.
That doesn't make any of this easy though. They're designed to resemble humans so closely, but as the full weight of his words sinks in further and further, the way she stills is anything but human. She hardly even breathes. Save for the ocean breeze rusting her hair and clothing, she looks more statue than person. Earlier, she could barely wrap her mind around what he was saying. Now, she can't even bare to think about them, his words having left her so utterly, completely paralyzed.
Distantly, she thinks she should be glad they have little to worry about in terms of threats here. As she is right now, she'd be done for if there were machine lifeforms here.
I guess we’re lucky there aren’t any enemies around here. That could’ve been fatal if machine lifeforms attacked.
Just— how much— could he—?]
... Since when. [She cuts herself off, steadying herself. If her voice wavers too much, he'll be too concerned with her well-being, and this is something she needs to know no matter what.] Since when have you remembered?
[And just as moments ago 9S had appreciated 2B's ability to cut right to the heart of a matter, now he finds himself wishing it were otherwise. There's nothing for it, and the question is enough to cut off any further meandering statements he might've otherwise uttered. Now he's left wondering how to answer that question.
If he where wholeheartedly honest, he'd say it was since his reactivation. But when has 9S been wholeheartedly honest, when it came to matters like this? The answer is as simple as it is stark: he never has. And so he concludes, too easily, that he'll supply what he needs to but not the whole of it]
Since I found myself in that Aimintas place.
[Since his reactivation, but this he doesn't say. He already knew 2B's role in his life far before that, and didn't need a full and complete memory to tell him as much. Now, of course, he has it anyway. The confirmation of his theories is there in his personal data, as though it was never gone to begin with.
But it's not what she asked. 2B didn't ask him how long he'd suspected what he knows now — she asked what he remembered. And with a subject that fills him with such dread, and leaves her so still she could be in maintenance, he'll only volunteer so much]
Didn't seem like the sort of thing you just...mention one day.
Ever since he woke up in Aimintas? That long? But that means— From the very first moment they saw each other again, he already—
She can barely even process what this means, her thought routines having momentary lapses of sharp static as they try to work through the weight of this. How could it have been so long? How could she not have realized? (But who was she kidding, of course she never realized. She's never been good at seeing past what 9S is willing to show her. Despite everything, she's never been good at really knowing who he is.) It would've been no surprise to find out that he suspected her of her true role, not when it's happened so many times before. This? She never could've guessed, never even thought it was possible. She never would've wanted this for him, to know just how many times she hurt him.
Goodbye, 2B ...
I-It hurts ... It ... h-hurt ... s ...
I want ... to see you ... again ...
Hahah ... You sure are kind ... 2B ...
How could he know all that and still smile at her like he always did? How could he remember all the times he died, whether she killed him or he killed himself because of her, all the times he had to lose the person he was, how could he remember everything she's taken from him and still—]
You said you were glad to be wherever I was. [There's a laugh, short and sharp and utterly empty. Even then, she'd been so selfishly happy to hear those words. She couldn't understand how that could be true even if he didn't remember everything that had happened between them, and here they are now, and he'd known all along. It could almost be funny.] How?
[Why? After all this time, she just can't understand how he can care so much for her when she's done nothing but hurt him over and over and over again. Repeatedly, endlessly. He should hate her, and she deserves to be hated, but he doesn't and she just can't understand why.]
[9S can guess well enough just why 2B is shocked. Although he was made to forget over and over again, she never had that luxury. She was fully aware all along of the cyclical nature of their relationship, meeting and parting, over and over again. It always ended in violence, as it necessarily had to. And for once remembering all of those times, 9S can look back on the way that weight compounded, steadily weighing 2B down more and more.
It isn't a wonder at all then that she can't understand why he feels the way he does, now that for once his memory is equal to her own. Not just one lifetime or another, but all of it. And that thought is sufficient to force him to look her way, though he remains unsure whether it's better to do so or not]
Like memories of pure light. That's the message you left for me, isn't it?
[9S doesn't wait for confirmation — doesn't need to. Those words are burned into his memory as surely as anything ever was. As much as they pained him when he first heard them, as much as they made him ache as though he'd been hollowed out from within, he carried them with him]
The thing is, I consider the world a very dark place without you.
[And he was consumed only with fulfilling the objective they supposedly had, and avenging her. After that...it didn't matter if he had a soul or not, it didn't matter if there was nowhere for him to go after he ceased to function. He had been determined to join her in death all the same.
Because that was preferable to being alone.
Because that was preferable to being without her.
The simple truth was that without 2B, 9S felt alone no matter who was around him, or reached out to him, or tried to reel him back from the dark path he had started down. A2 had tried, though he doesn't really understand her reasons, save that he supposes it had something to do with 2B's wishes. She had said her name, in the end. Devola and Popola had likewise reached out to him, and even 4S. But none of them could change the simple fact that the brightest part of his life, despite the role he knew she must have in it, had been snuffed out]
[So he did find it. She's glad for that, but only distantly right now. It's hard to be glad for anything when the person she cares for most in the world knows exactly how many times she hurt him with her own two hands.]
But you actually had the world for once. Finally. You could've done anything you wanted.
[To be fair though, she doesn't know what things were like once she was gone, and she recognizes that. But 9S is also the most capable person she knows. It's hard for her to imagine not having worked things out somehow. If he could figure out how to wield a weapon just to fight her, he could figure out a way to fight the machines even without her there to help. Besides, A2 was there, or if not A2, the Resistance and everyone there.
He's looking her way again finally, but she can only keep her gaze down, ashamed. There was so much possible for 9S without her around. Even if he believes so himself, even when he told her as much himself, she can't see how her being there could outweigh the opportunity for literally everything and anything else. She always ended his life so soon, so quickly. He never had much chance to do anything.
So why would the world be so dark without her? She can only think the opposite.]
[9S understands what 2B is suggesting, or at least he thinks so. He was free of the limitations YoRHa had imposed upon him, free of a cycle of death and restriction that had defined his short and violent life. And yet free of these confining factors, free of his increasingly unwilling executioner, what did 9S have? So much of his identity, so much of his sense of purpose, was tied to YoRHa, and the lie they were created to unknowingly perpetuate.
Divested of that purpose, his new purpose had become supporting 2B. And 9S was satisfied with that much, despite the role he was certain she had in his life. There is no denying he felt betrayed and hurt, suspecting that she had killed him time and again and that his memory was tampered with, but in the end...
In the end he still wanted simply to love her. And Adam had seen that contradiction within him, resenting and loving someone at the same time, mocked and derided him for it, echoing some of the thoughts he already directed at himself for the same.
But the same reason he struggled to reconcile those emotions is the same reason he doesn't want to exist without her]
You were always my world, 2B.
[9S remembers distinctly what it is to be alone. He didn't need a reminder in the form of her death and consequent absence from his life. In the past he had chosen to end himself rather than her, to perpetuate (selfishly) the cycle of meeting her and dying at her ever more grudging hands. Because each of those deaths still came with the promise of meeting her again]
It was enough for me, just being at your side. We might not have families, the way humans do, but I... [He trails off, line of sight sinking to the sand] To me, that's what you are.
[So what was left for him without a purpose, without a home, and without her?]
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More seriously, there's a long bout of silence because she just. Has absolutely no idea how to answer this question. Where did this question come from? Why would anyone feel romantic feelings towards her? The very idea of it is so far removed from how she sees herself and others around her that she's struggling to even imagine what this would be like, even as a purely hypothetical situation.
Her thought routines have probably never gotten such a thorough exercise. If Pod was here, it'd probably be giving a warning about how hard she's thinking about this.]
... I don't think a human would ever say something like that to me. [????? AFTER ALL HER THINKING, THAT'S THE BEST SHE'S GOT.]
no subject
And yet, despite that...
Maybe there really is no good answer, but 9S tries again, because he's pretty lost. And he doesn't think this is something he can really bring to A2. They're learning how to simply exist around one another and this is well beyond that]
Say they did, anyway, even if you didn't understand how. And they don't care that you're an android and they're not. How would you answer a thing like that?
[Help him 2B he's drowning here]
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... I guess it would depend on if I returned the feelings? [Except no, she can't fathom a situation where she would return romantic feelings. For anyone really, let alone a human. Especially a human. It just wouldn't be appropriate in her eyes. So she quickly amends that.] No, I would explain to them that I couldn't return their feelings because it's inappropriate.
no subject
I suppose that's true.
[Maybe, as with so many inconvenient things, it was better to bury whatever he might feel. That is, if he could figure out what it was. He doesn't know why he finds her answer disappointing, but he chalks it up to the simple fact that once again he isn't the way he's supposed to be.
Would she think less of him, if she knew something like that? If she knew all the areas in which he fell short of expectations? These thoughts are far too easy to become mired in, and he stares at his boots longer than he realizes]
no subject
Unless... She's no Scanner model, but she knows this question couldn't have come from nowhere.]
9S. [She says his name softly. Honestly, even if she turns out to be right, she's not sure what she's supposed to do in this situation. But knowing what the situation even is would be the first step in figuring things out, right?] Was there a human who told you that? That they had romantic feelings for you?
no subject
Mm, just a little while ago. [Which might even be overstating it. Jude hadn't been gone for very long by the time 9S decided he didn't know how to begin approaching such a subject, and there are very few here who understand what a YoRHa unit's life is like. The standards placed on them are ones he has never lived up to, not in the privacy of his own mind, but even so] I don't...nothing's really expected of me, or anything like that, but...
[In a way, he thinks, that patience and understanding extended to him makes the situation worse. He pulls his knees against his chest, wrapping his arms around them. And still, his boots are far easier to look at]
I'm not sure how I— [Feel, but he cuts himself short of saying the word. Corrects himself] What I think about it.
no subject
[And that's all she says at first. If she thought she needed time to gather her thoughts for his first question, that was nothing compared to this. She's curious as to who might've told him that, but ultimately, it doesn't matter, does it? Not for helping him right now, anyways.
Although it's not like she knows how to help him here either. For as much as 9S dismissed YoRHa's creed about emotions, something like this is entirely different from what they're used to. Some androids pursued romance with each other, sure, but they weren't them. Besides, from what she saw, it rarely ever went well. Death in combat was always just a single mission away. She doesn't think they were really in a situation or environment that could hope to encourage romance.
She notes the way he cuts himself off though, and she can guess what he might've said there. Even if she did uphold the image YoRHa wanted for them, she's not sure it's a good thing, to be the way she is. All her life, she's been their perfect soldier, stoic and professional, and what did that get her? Her status as an executioner.
But that's all in the past now. It's supposed to be. Maybe they should keep that in mind.]
... YoRHa doesn't exist anymore. It's gone. Emotions aren't prohibited. [The only rules they have are the ones they've made for themselves. 9S has always embraced feelings better than she does, and she sees no reason for that not to be the same even here.] So what do you feel about it?
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Hearing something like that from her, could he be anything but shocked? Her question drifts into his awareness belatedly, in the wake of that. It's the same thing he's been asking himself since he was confronted with that reality, but his thought routines haven't settled in what he would consider a very cohesive response.
Still, he tries. Because 2B is trying to help him, despite doubtless being just as lost on such matters as he is. Perhaps more, even]
Confused...and warm, mostly. And worried.
[Because it's so far beyond the realm of his experience. Other YoRHa may have fraternized, but neither he nor 2B had indulged in such things. Considering just how often they had died, and considering their individual natures, it wasn't so surprising. 9S can easily imagine other units may have admired 2B in that way though, and maybe someone had]
I don't know how someone can know what I am, and what that means, and just...not disregard it, exactly, but not consider it that big of a deal either.
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And her duty was over now. All of that was over now. They had no reason to cling to it any longer.]
I don't know either.
[Which isn't a slight against him or whoever confessed to him, but she's sure 9S will get what she means. They're androids meant to serve humanity. For a human to feel that strongly about one of them is odd. For an android to return that... There's something deep in her programming that tells her it's not appropriate, at the very least.
But this is Nines she's talking to. If he really did feel that way towards a human, she's not sure she would reproach him for it. If it made him happy and didn't hurt anyone, who was she to argue?]
They know that you're not... Familiar with these sorts of things, right?
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It could easily be that, or something far more individual. He doesn't know which it is, but that's immaterial at this point. The conversation they'd had told him all he needed to know about it, maybe even more, because he'd felt entirely overwhelmed. A human valuing him in such a way is...]
Yeah, they know... [He keeps references to this human neutral, if only because it's simplest] I've told them about YoRHa before, and a little about my life. What we are, what that means, those kinds of things. I don't think the original plan was to tell me just then, or maybe even at all, but it sort of just happened.
[And now he's left thinking in circles over it. How something like that is even possible, despite being told in detail about those sentiments, still eludes him]
Someone like me...it seems unreal.
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Maybe that's not what he means though. Even if it is, she has no idea how to even begin asking about something like that. The main issue here, she thinks, is that 9S is an android and this person is a human.
For some people here, that's a minor detail, but to her (and she thinks for 9S as well), it's insurmountable.]
It's possible, I guess. [They have the proof right in front of them, but even as just an outside party, she has a hard time really picturing it.] Do you know if... Do you think that maybe one day, just maybe, you could feel similarly?
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He's an android, but more than that, he's... Well. In the time he'd been without 2B, he'd realized for himself his own capacity for cruelty, among so much else he'd rather others never saw. A2 had seen that side of him, seen his anger and despair, and his inability to overcome the loss of everything that held true meaning to him.
Was that sort of person even suitable?
2B's question is what drags him back from those thoughts, where he might otherwise become absorbed in them. He thinks about that, looking out at the sea just beyond the shore. An island in a sea in the middle of nowhere, and still, it's a human having feelings for him that's so difficult to understand]
I think... [9S starts, only to halt himself again] It's a possibility, although I... Even having it explained to me, I'm not sure how I'd know it.
[If he came to feel that way, or if he felt anything like that already. Some of what was described to him seemed familiar, but he isn't sure whether it's the same thing. But 2B asked about similarity and that, at least, he can answer to]
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[Maybe she might get a better understanding from that? Because as she is now, she really has no idea how you might confirm that you have romantic feelings either... Then again, if even 9S couldn't properly understand it from the explanation, she's not sure she'll do any better.]
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It's, well... [Going to be a halting process to get through this] Being around me makes them warm, I guess? And it means a lot to them when I smile or laugh, for some reason. They're close with other people, but it's sort of different with me? Like some things I thought they did with everyone they...don't, actually. Those sorts of things.
[He finds it even more confusing, looking back on it. There are things he can understand, but the way it adds up is...]
That warmth thing in particular, I can sort of understand? Although I think they're the source of that rather than me. I mean, I think that's true of you too, but I wouldn't characterize it in exactly the same way. It's strange.
[But this they have established]
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But that's not important right now. Besides, that's an issue she doesn't think she'll ever get sorted out anyways.]
So what you mean to them is different from what other people mean to them, and they treat you in a special manner because of it. [That makes a certain degree of sense to her, like the warmth thing.] For some reason.
[The why of it is really what has her lost though. Then again, the why of how anyone comes to like another person would probably be difficult to explain. Why did so many executioner models come to care for their targets despite knowing they would kill them? That was just something out of their control. Maybe romantic feelings were similar.
But those were also cases of just androids. A human coming to care for an android like that is particularly difficult for her to wrap her mind around.]
If you're not sure if you can determine whether or not you have those feelings, maybe you should tell them that. [Although she wouldn't want to upset this person either.]
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Although, in his case, that's certainly easier said than done]
Right... [He'll just have to figure out how to express that] I guess that's really the only thing I can do, in this situation.
[The more he thinks about it, the more he finds himself unsure. If that's the case, there isn't much for it but to admit he's out of his depth, much as a part of him hates that as a Scanner. Being well-informed is supposed to be his job, but in this realm he's rather at a loss]
Thanks, 2B.
[If only the rest were as simple as this. He chews his lip, debating how he ought to broach the subject, by far a weightier matter for all that it entails, and he can't imagine an outcome that doesn't involve hurting her]
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[She's rooting for you 9S!!! For your happiness!!!! And that he maintains a positive relationship with this human, lbr here keeping humans happy is still a priority even in a situation like this.]
Was there something that prompted their confession though? [She can't help but be at least a little curious. Then again, if 6O was anyone to go by, maybe confessions just sprang up out of nowhere.] If you don't mind telling me, that is.
[Given the nature of this situation, she'll understand if it's something he considers to be private.]
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I...transmitted something about myself. Something I hadn't meant to, since I didn't want to upset them.
[And yet he'd failed, in the midst of that argument. He was trying so hard to get Jude to understand why he was so determined about the subject and he wasn't getting through to him, but he still regrets that he let that thought slip. His frustration had gotten the better of him and it should not have.
His line of sight remains riveted to his boots]
What I...expressed...was how often I remember dying. How often I...lacked the strength to fight.
[And he thinks from that much alone, 2B can easily discern what it means. Still, the fear of where those thoughts could lead, what they could dig up and how much they might hurt her, prompt him to apologize. He knows he has to tell her, because one day, Jude might ask why it would be that he'd died time and time again, and if she heard about it that way, he couldn't forgive himself]
I...I'm sorry. It wasn't something I ever meant to...
under the [S]ea
2B turns her head from him towards the sea silently, almost mechanically. Somehow, some way, he knows. He remembers every bit of pain she's caused him, every instance he met her only for her to kill him again. He remembers every time she stabbed him in the back, every time she snuffed his life out despite how desperately he tried to live. The endless cycle she thought she bore alone is suddenly shared, and she can't fathom how he can stand to look at her without despising every fiber of her being.
She can't even look at herself without seeing that.
Suddenly, all she can think about was how relieved she was when she died. 9S was safe, and she didn't have to hurt him anymore. She didn't have to hurt anymore. Their endless cycle was finally over once she closed the loop with herself. Here, 9S would be safe. A2 was here, and whoever cared for 9S enough to confess would surely take care of him too. She didn't have to hurt him anymore. With all that said, was there any reason for her to still have to hurt like this?
It occurs to her that there isn't.
So she stands up, walking easily towards the ocean. She doesn't stop until she's in the water, struggling to put one foot in front of the other despite her weight. When her foot finally steps into nothing, the waves easily tipping her forward to let the water drag her under, she slips beneath the surface with a smile.
She's always felt like she'd be crushed by the sheer pain of these feelings alone. It'd be fitting if it was literal.
... You better reload.]
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It would be easy to leave it at that and never bring up the topic again. It would be all too easy not to face the weight of her crimes.
But she's the one who asked, isn't she? And if she's being honest with herself, she's been waiting a long, long time to pay for her crimes. To repent for her sins.
That doesn't make any of this easy though. They're designed to resemble humans so closely, but as the full weight of his words sinks in further and further, the way she stills is anything but human. She hardly even breathes. Save for the ocean breeze rusting her hair and clothing, she looks more statue than person. Earlier, she could barely wrap her mind around what he was saying. Now, she can't even bare to think about them, his words having left her so utterly, completely paralyzed.
Distantly, she thinks she should be glad they have little to worry about in terms of threats here. As she is right now, she'd be done for if there were machine lifeforms here.
I guess we’re lucky there aren’t any enemies around here. That could’ve been fatal if machine lifeforms attacked.
Just— how much— could he—?]
... Since when. [She cuts herself off, steadying herself. If her voice wavers too much, he'll be too concerned with her well-being, and this is something she needs to know no matter what.] Since when have you remembered?
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If he where wholeheartedly honest, he'd say it was since his reactivation. But when has 9S been wholeheartedly honest, when it came to matters like this? The answer is as simple as it is stark: he never has. And so he concludes, too easily, that he'll supply what he needs to but not the whole of it]
Since I found myself in that Aimintas place.
[Since his reactivation, but this he doesn't say. He already knew 2B's role in his life far before that, and didn't need a full and complete memory to tell him as much. Now, of course, he has it anyway. The confirmation of his theories is there in his personal data, as though it was never gone to begin with.
But it's not what she asked. 2B didn't ask him how long he'd suspected what he knows now — she asked what he remembered. And with a subject that fills him with such dread, and leaves her so still she could be in maintenance, he'll only volunteer so much]
Didn't seem like the sort of thing you just...mention one day.
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Ever since he woke up in Aimintas? That long? But that means— From the very first moment they saw each other again, he already—
She can barely even process what this means, her thought routines having momentary lapses of sharp static as they try to work through the weight of this. How could it have been so long? How could she not have realized? (But who was she kidding, of course she never realized. She's never been good at seeing past what 9S is willing to show her. Despite everything, she's never been good at really knowing who he is.) It would've been no surprise to find out that he suspected her of her true role, not when it's happened so many times before. This? She never could've guessed, never even thought it was possible. She never would've wanted this for him, to know just how many times she hurt him.
Goodbye, 2B ...
I-It hurts ... It ... h-hurt ... s ...
I want ... to see you ... again ...
Hahah ... You sure are kind ... 2B ...
How could he know all that and still smile at her like he always did? How could he remember all the times he died, whether she killed him or he killed himself because of her, all the times he had to lose the person he was, how could he remember everything she's taken from him and still—]
You said you were glad to be wherever I was. [There's a laugh, short and sharp and utterly empty. Even then, she'd been so selfishly happy to hear those words. She couldn't understand how that could be true even if he didn't remember everything that had happened between them, and here they are now, and he'd known all along. It could almost be funny.] How?
[Why? After all this time, she just can't understand how he can care so much for her when she's done nothing but hurt him over and over and over again. Repeatedly, endlessly. He should hate her, and she deserves to be hated, but he doesn't and she just can't understand why.]
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It isn't a wonder at all then that she can't understand why he feels the way he does, now that for once his memory is equal to her own. Not just one lifetime or another, but all of it. And that thought is sufficient to force him to look her way, though he remains unsure whether it's better to do so or not]
Like memories of pure light. That's the message you left for me, isn't it?
[9S doesn't wait for confirmation — doesn't need to. Those words are burned into his memory as surely as anything ever was. As much as they pained him when he first heard them, as much as they made him ache as though he'd been hollowed out from within, he carried them with him]
The thing is, I consider the world a very dark place without you.
[And he was consumed only with fulfilling the objective they supposedly had, and avenging her. After that...it didn't matter if he had a soul or not, it didn't matter if there was nowhere for him to go after he ceased to function. He had been determined to join her in death all the same.
Because that was preferable to being alone.
Because that was preferable to being without her.
The simple truth was that without 2B, 9S felt alone no matter who was around him, or reached out to him, or tried to reel him back from the dark path he had started down. A2 had tried, though he doesn't really understand her reasons, save that he supposes it had something to do with 2B's wishes. She had said her name, in the end. Devola and Popola had likewise reached out to him, and even 4S. But none of them could change the simple fact that the brightest part of his life, despite the role he knew she must have in it, had been snuffed out]
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But you actually had the world for once. Finally. You could've done anything you wanted.
[To be fair though, she doesn't know what things were like once she was gone, and she recognizes that. But 9S is also the most capable person she knows. It's hard for her to imagine not having worked things out somehow. If he could figure out how to wield a weapon just to fight her, he could figure out a way to fight the machines even without her there to help. Besides, A2 was there, or if not A2, the Resistance and everyone there.
He's looking her way again finally, but she can only keep her gaze down, ashamed. There was so much possible for 9S without her around. Even if he believes so himself, even when he told her as much himself, she can't see how her being there could outweigh the opportunity for literally everything and anything else. She always ended his life so soon, so quickly. He never had much chance to do anything.
So why would the world be so dark without her? She can only think the opposite.]
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Divested of that purpose, his new purpose had become supporting 2B. And 9S was satisfied with that much, despite the role he was certain she had in his life. There is no denying he felt betrayed and hurt, suspecting that she had killed him time and again and that his memory was tampered with, but in the end...
In the end he still wanted simply to love her. And Adam had seen that contradiction within him, resenting and loving someone at the same time, mocked and derided him for it, echoing some of the thoughts he already directed at himself for the same.
But the same reason he struggled to reconcile those emotions is the same reason he doesn't want to exist without her]
You were always my world, 2B.
[9S remembers distinctly what it is to be alone. He didn't need a reminder in the form of her death and consequent absence from his life. In the past he had chosen to end himself rather than her, to perpetuate (selfishly) the cycle of meeting her and dying at her ever more grudging hands. Because each of those deaths still came with the promise of meeting her again]
It was enough for me, just being at your side. We might not have families, the way humans do, but I... [He trails off, line of sight sinking to the sand] To me, that's what you are.
[So what was left for him without a purpose, without a home, and without her?]
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