It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]
[Though he had hoped to simplify matters between them, 9S quickly comes to suspect that he's only muddied the waters further. He thought that in pointing out that both of them had a hand in their circumstances, to one degree or another, that he might lessen the severity of 2B's guilt. Instead, it seems to him that he has achieved nothing better than making her feel even worse.
And this is a perfect illustration of all that he had been so determined to avoid by keeping the truth to himself. He regrets that it ever became necessary to tell her, and that he allowed himself to get frustrated enough to think something that would concern and upset Jude enough that inevitably he'll ask about it. Historically, he always goes to 2B with his concerns about him. And so, it all comes back to his own failure to reign in his thoughts.
That is, of course, a weakness shared by every Scanner unit]
Still, I made a choice. And I think...I had more of a chance to do so than you did.
[Not by much, confined as they were by their roles as YoRHa units, but he was in some ways better about taking independent action. What he dealt with weren't orders issued to him but rather ones that concerned him, those that 2B hadn't much choice in carrying out. But she had given him a choice. He could have released her from a role that pained her greatly. Instead, he ended himself. That was the easier option for him, and not her.
9S can't quite claim that he regrets it, because it would be a lie. He's good at pretending, but omission is his main vehicle of dishonesty, rather than outright falsehoods. Given the choice, he knows he's selfish enough to kill himself rather than her again, because the thought of being without her is far too painful]
I'm not the only one who hurt because of how things were. And I think it'd be wrong to ignore that.
[The realization hurts, but ultimately, she's glad for it. For one, in all her guilt, she thinks the pain is deserved. More than that though, she's glad to know of it if only so she can change it. Maybe she would've gone on never realizing it, but whether she realized it or not, she thinks it's wrong to harbor any kind of grudge against 9S for it, no matter how much his actions in those instances weighed on her. Even if he did, in a sense, force her to stay alive even when she didn't necessarily want to, did that matter in the end?
She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
[9S isn't surprised that he's relieved to hear her say those words, but he knows it's not something he can dwell on right now. He didn't ask for her forgiveness for his own sake, though he can easily imagine that 2B may see it that way. There was a point to asking her such a question, and he can only hope that with this answer he can do something to ease her mind]
If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
[It's hard to argue against the logic of his words, and if not for the situation, it could almost be funny. Even with something as unreasonable and uncontrollable as their emotions, he's managed to make enough sense of it in this case, so much so that she can't argue against it even if she wants to.]
... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
[In the end, his comparison only gets them so far. At least she seems to understand how he can forgive her, but 9S isn't sure how to help her forgive herself. He's wrestled with guilt and shame before, it's just not the same thing. What 2B has lived with goes deeper than that, and, he thinks, she's a far gentler person than he is to begin with.
It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
[She simply nods at first, looking back down into her lap. He's not wrong, by any means. There's a lot she's already experienced here that she's incredibly grateful for, things she wouldn't trade for anything. Here, as she is now, she can fulfill her duty. More than that, she could stay by 9S' side the way she's always wanted to. Without ever having to hurt him.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
Edited (fucking 30min later smh at myself) 2017-11-15 12:38 (UTC)
[9S can do little better than sit there numbly, aware that he wasn't able to do anything to relieve the new burden he has just placed on her. He's entirely too still at first, having to remind himself after a collection of long moments has been and gone that he needs to respond to her, in some way. He should, although no words come to mind.
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
[She watches as he leaves, almost raising her hand to reach out to him. To steady him, to tell him he doesn't need to worry, that he doesn't need to apologize or leave, something. Instead, all she can do is let her hand drop. She bites her lip to stop herself from saying anything.
Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]
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no subject
It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]
no subject
And this is a perfect illustration of all that he had been so determined to avoid by keeping the truth to himself. He regrets that it ever became necessary to tell her, and that he allowed himself to get frustrated enough to think something that would concern and upset Jude enough that inevitably he'll ask about it. Historically, he always goes to 2B with his concerns about him. And so, it all comes back to his own failure to reign in his thoughts.
That is, of course, a weakness shared by every Scanner unit]
Still, I made a choice. And I think...I had more of a chance to do so than you did.
[Not by much, confined as they were by their roles as YoRHa units, but he was in some ways better about taking independent action. What he dealt with weren't orders issued to him but rather ones that concerned him, those that 2B hadn't much choice in carrying out. But she had given him a choice. He could have released her from a role that pained her greatly. Instead, he ended himself. That was the easier option for him, and not her.
9S can't quite claim that he regrets it, because it would be a lie. He's good at pretending, but omission is his main vehicle of dishonesty, rather than outright falsehoods. Given the choice, he knows he's selfish enough to kill himself rather than her again, because the thought of being without her is far too painful]
I'm not the only one who hurt because of how things were. And I think it'd be wrong to ignore that.
no subject
She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
no subject
If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
no subject
... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
But I still can't forgive myself.
no subject
It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
no subject
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
no subject
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
no subject
Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]