[She simply nods at first, looking back down into her lap. He's not wrong, by any means. There's a lot she's already experienced here that she's incredibly grateful for, things she wouldn't trade for anything. Here, as she is now, she can fulfill her duty. More than that, she could stay by 9S' side the way she's always wanted to. Without ever having to hurt him.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
Edited (fucking 30min later smh at myself) 2017-11-15 12:38 (UTC)
[9S can do little better than sit there numbly, aware that he wasn't able to do anything to relieve the new burden he has just placed on her. He's entirely too still at first, having to remind himself after a collection of long moments has been and gone that he needs to respond to her, in some way. He should, although no words come to mind.
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
[She watches as he leaves, almost raising her hand to reach out to him. To steady him, to tell him he doesn't need to worry, that he doesn't need to apologize or leave, something. Instead, all she can do is let her hand drop. She bites her lip to stop herself from saying anything.
Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
no subject
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
no subject
Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]