Ever since he woke up in Aimintas? That long? But that means— From the very first moment they saw each other again, he already—
She can barely even process what this means, her thought routines having momentary lapses of sharp static as they try to work through the weight of this. How could it have been so long? How could she not have realized? (But who was she kidding, of course she never realized. She's never been good at seeing past what 9S is willing to show her. Despite everything, she's never been good at really knowing who he is.) It would've been no surprise to find out that he suspected her of her true role, not when it's happened so many times before. This? She never could've guessed, never even thought it was possible. She never would've wanted this for him, to know just how many times she hurt him.
Goodbye, 2B ...
I-It hurts ... It ... h-hurt ... s ...
I want ... to see you ... again ...
Hahah ... You sure are kind ... 2B ...
How could he know all that and still smile at her like he always did? How could he remember all the times he died, whether she killed him or he killed himself because of her, all the times he had to lose the person he was, how could he remember everything she's taken from him and still—]
You said you were glad to be wherever I was. [There's a laugh, short and sharp and utterly empty. Even then, she'd been so selfishly happy to hear those words. She couldn't understand how that could be true even if he didn't remember everything that had happened between them, and here they are now, and he'd known all along. It could almost be funny.] How?
[Why? After all this time, she just can't understand how he can care so much for her when she's done nothing but hurt him over and over and over again. Repeatedly, endlessly. He should hate her, and she deserves to be hated, but he doesn't and she just can't understand why.]
[9S can guess well enough just why 2B is shocked. Although he was made to forget over and over again, she never had that luxury. She was fully aware all along of the cyclical nature of their relationship, meeting and parting, over and over again. It always ended in violence, as it necessarily had to. And for once remembering all of those times, 9S can look back on the way that weight compounded, steadily weighing 2B down more and more.
It isn't a wonder at all then that she can't understand why he feels the way he does, now that for once his memory is equal to her own. Not just one lifetime or another, but all of it. And that thought is sufficient to force him to look her way, though he remains unsure whether it's better to do so or not]
Like memories of pure light. That's the message you left for me, isn't it?
[9S doesn't wait for confirmation — doesn't need to. Those words are burned into his memory as surely as anything ever was. As much as they pained him when he first heard them, as much as they made him ache as though he'd been hollowed out from within, he carried them with him]
The thing is, I consider the world a very dark place without you.
[And he was consumed only with fulfilling the objective they supposedly had, and avenging her. After that...it didn't matter if he had a soul or not, it didn't matter if there was nowhere for him to go after he ceased to function. He had been determined to join her in death all the same.
Because that was preferable to being alone.
Because that was preferable to being without her.
The simple truth was that without 2B, 9S felt alone no matter who was around him, or reached out to him, or tried to reel him back from the dark path he had started down. A2 had tried, though he doesn't really understand her reasons, save that he supposes it had something to do with 2B's wishes. She had said her name, in the end. Devola and Popola had likewise reached out to him, and even 4S. But none of them could change the simple fact that the brightest part of his life, despite the role he knew she must have in it, had been snuffed out]
[So he did find it. She's glad for that, but only distantly right now. It's hard to be glad for anything when the person she cares for most in the world knows exactly how many times she hurt him with her own two hands.]
But you actually had the world for once. Finally. You could've done anything you wanted.
[To be fair though, she doesn't know what things were like once she was gone, and she recognizes that. But 9S is also the most capable person she knows. It's hard for her to imagine not having worked things out somehow. If he could figure out how to wield a weapon just to fight her, he could figure out a way to fight the machines even without her there to help. Besides, A2 was there, or if not A2, the Resistance and everyone there.
He's looking her way again finally, but she can only keep her gaze down, ashamed. There was so much possible for 9S without her around. Even if he believes so himself, even when he told her as much himself, she can't see how her being there could outweigh the opportunity for literally everything and anything else. She always ended his life so soon, so quickly. He never had much chance to do anything.
So why would the world be so dark without her? She can only think the opposite.]
[9S understands what 2B is suggesting, or at least he thinks so. He was free of the limitations YoRHa had imposed upon him, free of a cycle of death and restriction that had defined his short and violent life. And yet free of these confining factors, free of his increasingly unwilling executioner, what did 9S have? So much of his identity, so much of his sense of purpose, was tied to YoRHa, and the lie they were created to unknowingly perpetuate.
Divested of that purpose, his new purpose had become supporting 2B. And 9S was satisfied with that much, despite the role he was certain she had in his life. There is no denying he felt betrayed and hurt, suspecting that she had killed him time and again and that his memory was tampered with, but in the end...
In the end he still wanted simply to love her. And Adam had seen that contradiction within him, resenting and loving someone at the same time, mocked and derided him for it, echoing some of the thoughts he already directed at himself for the same.
But the same reason he struggled to reconcile those emotions is the same reason he doesn't want to exist without her]
You were always my world, 2B.
[9S remembers distinctly what it is to be alone. He didn't need a reminder in the form of her death and consequent absence from his life. In the past he had chosen to end himself rather than her, to perpetuate (selfishly) the cycle of meeting her and dying at her ever more grudging hands. Because each of those deaths still came with the promise of meeting her again]
It was enough for me, just being at your side. We might not have families, the way humans do, but I... [He trails off, line of sight sinking to the sand] To me, that's what you are.
[So what was left for him without a purpose, without a home, and without her?]
[There is undeniably a part of her that's happy to hear those words. To know that just as much as 9S was her entire world, she was his, too. But that happiness doesn't bring her any joy. It's too quickly smothered and choked, drowned out by the reality of their situation. Of what she is, of what she's done to him. No matter how much he cares about it, she doesn't think there's a thing in the the world, nothing she could do that would be enough to make amends.]
I shouldn't be. Not when you should hate me.
[How can he not hate her, the way she hates herself?]
I killed you. [It's only now that she can say it plainly, now that she's condemning herself.] Over and over and over again, and you were barely even mad at me.
[Maybe every now and then, she killed him and he looked at her with something aside from resignation or understanding. Sometimes he was scared, sometimes upset, but so rarely did she see him mad at what she did to him, betrayed. And that couldn't be right, not when she deserved every bit of it.]
Why aren't you mad at me? [It could almost be a sob for how raw and broken her voice is.]
[It sounds to him like she's bludgeoning herself with those words, and it's a painful thing to hear. Back when Adam had mocked him with his own conflicted emotions, he wasn't aware of just how hard it was for 2B. Over time he had come to understand it, as he often did through one lifetime or another, but he knows that when she was alive he was still struggling to reconcile his emotions.
His lips press into a thin line as he considers the words, and how he should answer them. Had he the choice, he would have preferred that they never discuss this matter at all. It's evident to him that it's only causing 2B pain. But his own mistake led to this, and waiting for Jude to ask her what he meant as he anticipates would only be worse.
It's hard to imagine a worse, right now, but...]
For a while I was. Around the time we met that E-type, and I realized I was missing data on those units, data that any YoRHa ought to have... Not to mention, you were far more powerful than a normal B-type... It seemed so obvious, what was going on.
[What must have been going on]
And I knew something was missing. Not just that data, but a void where my memories had been ripped away.
[He could perceive that void in a way he should not have, or at least he thinks so. Maybe it was the sheer number of times that it had happened, or maybe it was something else entirely]
So I resented you. Wanted to hurt you, even. But at the same time...because of you, I wasn't alone. And you were important to me, despite the role I was sure you had in my life. I didn't know what to do about it. And then, you were just...gone. And I couldn't do anything about it.
Edited (now without censorship humor) 2017-11-01 06:40 (UTC)
[Frankly, she's relieved to hear this. 9S should still resent her honestly, should still want to hurt her, and she would gladly welcome it. She still remembers that day in the Sand Temple when she all but begged him to kill her, giving him her own sword to do it, and even then he only turned it on himself. It settles something in her chest, to know that 9S really was upset with her. Enough to want to hurt her for it.
Which is why it isn't enough to her. He should still be upset with her. He should want to hurt her more than ever, now that he knows exactly how many times she hurt him. No matter how much he cares for her, no matter how much she treasures that, it doesn't change what she did to him. She can't imagine the pain her absence could have caused him because in her eyes, it was the best thing that could've happened for him.]
That doesn't change what I did to you.
[But maybe there's one good thing that can come of this. She's held back these words for so, so long, because to say them to him would be to admit to what she's done. For so many reasons, she couldn't let him know. And now, those reasons no longer existed. There was no secret to uphold, no mission to complete, no duty to perform.
She hangs her head, hands balling the fabric of her skirt in her fists.]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—
[It's not an excuse for what she's done. Nothing ever could be. It's only the truth, plain and simple. That first time, when she'd obliterated his personality data rather than simply and mercifully killing him, she remembers thinking to herself that she wouldn't apologize. She couldn't. This was her duty.
How laughable. For better or worse, she simply wasn't programmed to be so. After all this time, how could she not regret what she's done, feel remorse for all the pain she's caused?]
[9S lifts a hand and hesitates, but ultimately, it hurts to watch her like this. He lays a hand over one of hers, the one within his reach. It's a cautious, light touch, but something within him aches at seeing her this way, and he wishes desperately that he could make it stop. Something like this was the reason he thought it best to pretend that he remembered nothing at all and that their past wasn't a matter they would ever have to confront.
But he knows that his mistake made this conversation inevitable. There is nothing for it but to press on, and hope that he hasn't destroyed whatever happiness 2B could enjoy in this place, away from the unending conflict that they had always lived in]
2B... [His voice is choked, strained under his need to fix this, and the uncertainty of whether he possibly can] I know...I know you are. But I made things hard for you too, didn't I? I didn't let you go when you wanted me to. When you asked me to.
[And so he had perpetuated her hardships, hadn't he? It was a vicious cycle, and even if he had ended her, there was no guarantee that she wouldn't be deployed again without those memories and forced to repeat the same task just the same. Maybe he would've been assigned to another E-unit. There's no way of knowing.
All he does know was that dying over and over again with the promise that they'd meet once more was preferable to the alternative. Because of that, he had placed a cruel burden on her, one she shouldn't have had to live with.
That 2B is punishing herself this way because of him...it seems wrong.
Maybe he can make her understand if he approaches it this way]
Can you forgive me for what I put you through?
[It's something that he's afraid to ask her, because it means that he's confronting how he has wronged her. And maybe that will remind her that where she didn't have a choice, he did. The choice he made for her, for both of them, prolonged her hardships. It's possible that if he had chosen otherwise nothing would have changed, but even so...
Maybe, if 2B does forgive him that, it can make more sense to her that he doesn't hold her role in his life against her any longer. For a time he had, just as he has said, but he'd lost her once. And that told him all he needed to know about whether he ever wanted harm her or be without her, in the end]
It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]
[Though he had hoped to simplify matters between them, 9S quickly comes to suspect that he's only muddied the waters further. He thought that in pointing out that both of them had a hand in their circumstances, to one degree or another, that he might lessen the severity of 2B's guilt. Instead, it seems to him that he has achieved nothing better than making her feel even worse.
And this is a perfect illustration of all that he had been so determined to avoid by keeping the truth to himself. He regrets that it ever became necessary to tell her, and that he allowed himself to get frustrated enough to think something that would concern and upset Jude enough that inevitably he'll ask about it. Historically, he always goes to 2B with his concerns about him. And so, it all comes back to his own failure to reign in his thoughts.
That is, of course, a weakness shared by every Scanner unit]
Still, I made a choice. And I think...I had more of a chance to do so than you did.
[Not by much, confined as they were by their roles as YoRHa units, but he was in some ways better about taking independent action. What he dealt with weren't orders issued to him but rather ones that concerned him, those that 2B hadn't much choice in carrying out. But she had given him a choice. He could have released her from a role that pained her greatly. Instead, he ended himself. That was the easier option for him, and not her.
9S can't quite claim that he regrets it, because it would be a lie. He's good at pretending, but omission is his main vehicle of dishonesty, rather than outright falsehoods. Given the choice, he knows he's selfish enough to kill himself rather than her again, because the thought of being without her is far too painful]
I'm not the only one who hurt because of how things were. And I think it'd be wrong to ignore that.
[The realization hurts, but ultimately, she's glad for it. For one, in all her guilt, she thinks the pain is deserved. More than that though, she's glad to know of it if only so she can change it. Maybe she would've gone on never realizing it, but whether she realized it or not, she thinks it's wrong to harbor any kind of grudge against 9S for it, no matter how much his actions in those instances weighed on her. Even if he did, in a sense, force her to stay alive even when she didn't necessarily want to, did that matter in the end?
She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
[9S isn't surprised that he's relieved to hear her say those words, but he knows it's not something he can dwell on right now. He didn't ask for her forgiveness for his own sake, though he can easily imagine that 2B may see it that way. There was a point to asking her such a question, and he can only hope that with this answer he can do something to ease her mind]
If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
[It's hard to argue against the logic of his words, and if not for the situation, it could almost be funny. Even with something as unreasonable and uncontrollable as their emotions, he's managed to make enough sense of it in this case, so much so that she can't argue against it even if she wants to.]
... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
[In the end, his comparison only gets them so far. At least she seems to understand how he can forgive her, but 9S isn't sure how to help her forgive herself. He's wrestled with guilt and shame before, it's just not the same thing. What 2B has lived with goes deeper than that, and, he thinks, she's a far gentler person than he is to begin with.
It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
[She simply nods at first, looking back down into her lap. He's not wrong, by any means. There's a lot she's already experienced here that she's incredibly grateful for, things she wouldn't trade for anything. Here, as she is now, she can fulfill her duty. More than that, she could stay by 9S' side the way she's always wanted to. Without ever having to hurt him.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
Edited (fucking 30min later smh at myself) 2017-11-15 12:38 (UTC)
[9S can do little better than sit there numbly, aware that he wasn't able to do anything to relieve the new burden he has just placed on her. He's entirely too still at first, having to remind himself after a collection of long moments has been and gone that he needs to respond to her, in some way. He should, although no words come to mind.
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
[She watches as he leaves, almost raising her hand to reach out to him. To steady him, to tell him he doesn't need to worry, that he doesn't need to apologize or leave, something. Instead, all she can do is let her hand drop. She bites her lip to stop herself from saying anything.
Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]
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Ever since he woke up in Aimintas? That long? But that means— From the very first moment they saw each other again, he already—
She can barely even process what this means, her thought routines having momentary lapses of sharp static as they try to work through the weight of this. How could it have been so long? How could she not have realized? (But who was she kidding, of course she never realized. She's never been good at seeing past what 9S is willing to show her. Despite everything, she's never been good at really knowing who he is.) It would've been no surprise to find out that he suspected her of her true role, not when it's happened so many times before. This? She never could've guessed, never even thought it was possible. She never would've wanted this for him, to know just how many times she hurt him.
Goodbye, 2B ...
I-It hurts ... It ... h-hurt ... s ...
I want ... to see you ... again ...
Hahah ... You sure are kind ... 2B ...
How could he know all that and still smile at her like he always did? How could he remember all the times he died, whether she killed him or he killed himself because of her, all the times he had to lose the person he was, how could he remember everything she's taken from him and still—]
You said you were glad to be wherever I was. [There's a laugh, short and sharp and utterly empty. Even then, she'd been so selfishly happy to hear those words. She couldn't understand how that could be true even if he didn't remember everything that had happened between them, and here they are now, and he'd known all along. It could almost be funny.] How?
[Why? After all this time, she just can't understand how he can care so much for her when she's done nothing but hurt him over and over and over again. Repeatedly, endlessly. He should hate her, and she deserves to be hated, but he doesn't and she just can't understand why.]
no subject
It isn't a wonder at all then that she can't understand why he feels the way he does, now that for once his memory is equal to her own. Not just one lifetime or another, but all of it. And that thought is sufficient to force him to look her way, though he remains unsure whether it's better to do so or not]
Like memories of pure light. That's the message you left for me, isn't it?
[9S doesn't wait for confirmation — doesn't need to. Those words are burned into his memory as surely as anything ever was. As much as they pained him when he first heard them, as much as they made him ache as though he'd been hollowed out from within, he carried them with him]
The thing is, I consider the world a very dark place without you.
[And he was consumed only with fulfilling the objective they supposedly had, and avenging her. After that...it didn't matter if he had a soul or not, it didn't matter if there was nowhere for him to go after he ceased to function. He had been determined to join her in death all the same.
Because that was preferable to being alone.
Because that was preferable to being without her.
The simple truth was that without 2B, 9S felt alone no matter who was around him, or reached out to him, or tried to reel him back from the dark path he had started down. A2 had tried, though he doesn't really understand her reasons, save that he supposes it had something to do with 2B's wishes. She had said her name, in the end. Devola and Popola had likewise reached out to him, and even 4S. But none of them could change the simple fact that the brightest part of his life, despite the role he knew she must have in it, had been snuffed out]
no subject
But you actually had the world for once. Finally. You could've done anything you wanted.
[To be fair though, she doesn't know what things were like once she was gone, and she recognizes that. But 9S is also the most capable person she knows. It's hard for her to imagine not having worked things out somehow. If he could figure out how to wield a weapon just to fight her, he could figure out a way to fight the machines even without her there to help. Besides, A2 was there, or if not A2, the Resistance and everyone there.
He's looking her way again finally, but she can only keep her gaze down, ashamed. There was so much possible for 9S without her around. Even if he believes so himself, even when he told her as much himself, she can't see how her being there could outweigh the opportunity for literally everything and anything else. She always ended his life so soon, so quickly. He never had much chance to do anything.
So why would the world be so dark without her? She can only think the opposite.]
no subject
Divested of that purpose, his new purpose had become supporting 2B. And 9S was satisfied with that much, despite the role he was certain she had in his life. There is no denying he felt betrayed and hurt, suspecting that she had killed him time and again and that his memory was tampered with, but in the end...
In the end he still wanted simply to love her. And Adam had seen that contradiction within him, resenting and loving someone at the same time, mocked and derided him for it, echoing some of the thoughts he already directed at himself for the same.
But the same reason he struggled to reconcile those emotions is the same reason he doesn't want to exist without her]
You were always my world, 2B.
[9S remembers distinctly what it is to be alone. He didn't need a reminder in the form of her death and consequent absence from his life. In the past he had chosen to end himself rather than her, to perpetuate (selfishly) the cycle of meeting her and dying at her ever more grudging hands. Because each of those deaths still came with the promise of meeting her again]
It was enough for me, just being at your side. We might not have families, the way humans do, but I... [He trails off, line of sight sinking to the sand] To me, that's what you are.
[So what was left for him without a purpose, without a home, and without her?]
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I shouldn't be. Not when you should hate me.
[How can he not hate her, the way she hates herself?]
I killed you. [It's only now that she can say it plainly, now that she's condemning herself.] Over and over and over again, and you were barely even mad at me.
[Maybe every now and then, she killed him and he looked at her with something aside from resignation or understanding. Sometimes he was scared, sometimes upset, but so rarely did she see him mad at what she did to him, betrayed. And that couldn't be right, not when she deserved every bit of it.]
Why aren't you mad at me? [It could almost be a sob for how raw and broken her voice is.]
no subject
His lips press into a thin line as he considers the words, and how he should answer them. Had he the choice, he would have preferred that they never discuss this matter at all. It's evident to him that it's only causing 2B pain. But his own mistake led to this, and waiting for Jude to ask her what he meant as he anticipates would only be worse.
It's hard to imagine a worse, right now, but...]
For a while I was. Around the time we met that E-type, and I realized I was missing data on those units, data that any YoRHa ought to have... Not to mention, you were far more powerful than a normal B-type... It seemed so obvious, what was going on.
[What must have been going on]
And I knew something was missing. Not just that data, but a void where my memories had been ripped away.
[He could perceive that void in a way he should not have, or at least he thinks so. Maybe it was the sheer number of times that it had happened, or maybe it was something else entirely]
So I resented you. Wanted to hurt you, even. But at the same time...because of you, I wasn't alone. And you were important to me, despite the role I was sure you had in my life. I didn't know what to do about it. And then, you were just...gone. And I couldn't do anything about it.
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Which is why it isn't enough to her. He should still be upset with her. He should want to hurt her more than ever, now that he knows exactly how many times she hurt him. No matter how much he cares for her, no matter how much she treasures that, it doesn't change what she did to him. She can't imagine the pain her absence could have caused him because in her eyes, it was the best thing that could've happened for him.]
That doesn't change what I did to you.
[But maybe there's one good thing that can come of this. She's held back these words for so, so long, because to say them to him would be to admit to what she's done. For so many reasons, she couldn't let him know. And now, those reasons no longer existed. There was no secret to uphold, no mission to complete, no duty to perform.
She hangs her head, hands balling the fabric of her skirt in her fists.]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—
[It's not an excuse for what she's done. Nothing ever could be. It's only the truth, plain and simple. That first time, when she'd obliterated his personality data rather than simply and mercifully killing him, she remembers thinking to herself that she wouldn't apologize. She couldn't. This was her duty.
How laughable. For better or worse, she simply wasn't programmed to be so. After all this time, how could she not regret what she's done, feel remorse for all the pain she's caused?]
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But he knows that his mistake made this conversation inevitable. There is nothing for it but to press on, and hope that he hasn't destroyed whatever happiness 2B could enjoy in this place, away from the unending conflict that they had always lived in]
2B... [His voice is choked, strained under his need to fix this, and the uncertainty of whether he possibly can] I know...I know you are. But I made things hard for you too, didn't I? I didn't let you go when you wanted me to. When you asked me to.
[And so he had perpetuated her hardships, hadn't he? It was a vicious cycle, and even if he had ended her, there was no guarantee that she wouldn't be deployed again without those memories and forced to repeat the same task just the same. Maybe he would've been assigned to another E-unit. There's no way of knowing.
All he does know was that dying over and over again with the promise that they'd meet once more was preferable to the alternative. Because of that, he had placed a cruel burden on her, one she shouldn't have had to live with.
That 2B is punishing herself this way because of him...it seems wrong.
Maybe he can make her understand if he approaches it this way]
Can you forgive me for what I put you through?
[It's something that he's afraid to ask her, because it means that he's confronting how he has wronged her. And maybe that will remind her that where she didn't have a choice, he did. The choice he made for her, for both of them, prolonged her hardships. It's possible that if he had chosen otherwise nothing would have changed, but even so...
Maybe, if 2B does forgive him that, it can make more sense to her that he doesn't hold her role in his life against her any longer. For a time he had, just as he has said, but he'd lost her once. And that told him all he needed to know about whether he ever wanted harm her or be without her, in the end]
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It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]
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And this is a perfect illustration of all that he had been so determined to avoid by keeping the truth to himself. He regrets that it ever became necessary to tell her, and that he allowed himself to get frustrated enough to think something that would concern and upset Jude enough that inevitably he'll ask about it. Historically, he always goes to 2B with his concerns about him. And so, it all comes back to his own failure to reign in his thoughts.
That is, of course, a weakness shared by every Scanner unit]
Still, I made a choice. And I think...I had more of a chance to do so than you did.
[Not by much, confined as they were by their roles as YoRHa units, but he was in some ways better about taking independent action. What he dealt with weren't orders issued to him but rather ones that concerned him, those that 2B hadn't much choice in carrying out. But she had given him a choice. He could have released her from a role that pained her greatly. Instead, he ended himself. That was the easier option for him, and not her.
9S can't quite claim that he regrets it, because it would be a lie. He's good at pretending, but omission is his main vehicle of dishonesty, rather than outright falsehoods. Given the choice, he knows he's selfish enough to kill himself rather than her again, because the thought of being without her is far too painful]
I'm not the only one who hurt because of how things were. And I think it'd be wrong to ignore that.
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She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
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If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
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... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
But I still can't forgive myself.
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It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
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And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
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It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
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Because what can she possibly say now? Even though she never wanted to, she feels like everything she's said to him here has only hurt him. No matter what she wants, she feels like she can only continue to hurt him once more.
So she sits there, watching until she can't see him anymore. For the first time since she reactivated, she feels utterly alone.]