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[The realization hurts, but ultimately, she's glad for it. For one, in all her guilt, she thinks the pain is deserved. More than that though, she's glad to know of it if only so she can change it. Maybe she would've gone on never realizing it, but whether she realized it or not, she thinks it's wrong to harbor any kind of grudge against 9S for it, no matter how much his actions in those instances weighed on her. Even if he did, in a sense, force her to stay alive even when she didn't necessarily want to, did that matter in the end?
She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
She can't deny that as much as it pained her, she was also glad to see 9S again. She was happy to see him again, to spend time with him again. To pretend she wasn't would be a lie. It sharpened the pain of having to kill him over and over, but that joy still outweighed everything else. She wouldn't have been able to keep on going if it hadn't.]
It doesn't matter if I was hurt. [And truly, she still doesn't think it does. She would gladly die again, permanently this time, if it meant keeping 9S safe and alive.] Besides, I... I forgive you.
Even if I didn't have as much of a choice... I wanted to see you again, too. I was happy when we met, too. So... I forgive you.
That's true. I can't say I'd know how a witch thinks.
[Her opinion on Qri is a lot more neutral compared to the others here from what she's gathered, but she knows her situation is a bit unique. Not to mention, well, it's kind of hard to have an opinion on someone's she's never seen or spoken with.]
[Her opinion on Qri is a lot more neutral compared to the others here from what she's gathered, but she knows her situation is a bit unique. Not to mention, well, it's kind of hard to have an opinion on someone's she's never seen or spoken with.]
Maybe she'll tell us sometime.
[Geir sighs grandly, drooping -- but really, it's much too nice a day to worry about what in the world Qri is up to, or why she does what he does. he brightens again after another moment, lifting his head.]
Well-- whatever. Umm, if we do have time left here, you can do anything else to this spot that you want. Maybe you'll give me and Vern ideas.
[Geir sighs grandly, drooping -- but really, it's much too nice a day to worry about what in the world Qri is up to, or why she does what he does. he brightens again after another moment, lifting his head.]
Well-- whatever. Umm, if we do have time left here, you can do anything else to this spot that you want. Maybe you'll give me and Vern ideas.
[9S isn't surprised that he's relieved to hear her say those words, but he knows it's not something he can dwell on right now. He didn't ask for her forgiveness for his own sake, though he can easily imagine that 2B may see it that way. There was a point to asking her such a question, and he can only hope that with this answer he can do something to ease her mind]
If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
If you can forgive me...is it really so strange that I could forgive you? That I'd want to see you again, too?
[Because she was and remains the most important person in his life. The knowledge that she would see him again made the pain of dying over and over something that he could endure. Because there was hope, however small it was. It had been enough for him, despite knowing that he would surely die again.
At least he would be with someone who cared about him, and someone he treasured. So many times, he had reached that same conclusion, past the anger and betrayal that came with realizing why she must have been deployed with him]
If nothing else, I'll probably learn something about fishing!
[and that's the important thing.]
[and that's the important thing.]
[It's hard to argue against the logic of his words, and if not for the situation, it could almost be funny. Even with something as unreasonable and uncontrollable as their emotions, he's managed to make enough sense of it in this case, so much so that she can't argue against it even if she wants to.]
... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
But I still can't forgive myself.
... No, I guess not. [That much, at least, she can accept. He can choose to forgive her, and she still doesn't understand it, doesn't even necessarily want it, but. Really, what choice does she have now but to accept it?
But not even that can change the way she sees herself. She cares about 9S more than anything else, and yet she's the sole person who also hurt him more than anything else. There's a quiet sigh as she lifts her head and looks out into the ocean, wondering if perhaps some things will simply never change.]
But I still can't forgive myself.
Guess I'd better get ready.
[Geir doesn't know how often they'll both be there to see if the fish is jumping, but he's sure that 2B will be quiet, pleasant company when they are.]
[Geir doesn't know how often they'll both be there to see if the fish is jumping, but he's sure that 2B will be quiet, pleasant company when they are.]
[In the end, his comparison only gets them so far. At least she seems to understand how he can forgive her, but 9S isn't sure how to help her forgive herself. He's wrestled with guilt and shame before, it's just not the same thing. What 2B has lived with goes deeper than that, and, he thinks, she's a far gentler person than he is to begin with.
It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
It seems dangerous to decide that circumstances and the eventual logic virus infection account for all of his ruthless actions. 9S isn't sure he would do any different if faced with the same situation or not. What was there to do with one's grief, when all seemed lost?
But that was then, and this is now. His focus might wander, but he centers it right back on 2B, watching her face in profile from where he sits]
Maybe...when you're ready to, you should try.
[With the past weighing her down, 9S can't imagine that she would ever truly be happy. And she deserves to be, after all that she has been through. He wants that more than anything in this world or any other. Well, that, and to remain by her side. What more could he truly ask for?
Well...aside from knowing what to do with feelings, but that's a subject he'll revisit another time]
There are things you can do here. Positive things. Ones we didn't get a shot at, before.
[She simply nods at first, looking back down into her lap. He's not wrong, by any means. There's a lot she's already experienced here that she's incredibly grateful for, things she wouldn't trade for anything. Here, as she is now, she can fulfill her duty. More than that, she could stay by 9S' side the way she's always wanted to. Without ever having to hurt him.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.
Edited (fucking 30min later smh at myself) 2017-11-15 12:38 (UTC)
[ here goes nothing. rip jude mathis. he's so nervous his palms are sweating, and he hates the fact that he's nervous around 2b. that isn't right. that isn't how things are supposed to be.
he very gently knocks on her bedroom door. he doesn't know how to start, so he doesn't say anything at all, simply waiting for her to answer. ]
he very gently knocks on her bedroom door. he doesn't know how to start, so he doesn't say anything at all, simply waiting for her to answer. ]
[With the past few weeks, it's almost rare for her to be back in her room at the abandoned house, so she's definitely not expecting the knock on her door. Given who else she knows stays here, it's easy for her to figure out who must be on the other side of the door, but she's not sure what to think of that either. Why would Jude want to speak with her still?
So instead of answering, she simply opens the door, unsurprised at who it is but confused all the same.]
... Hello, Jude. [The same greeting as always, in the same calm tone as always, even if calm is the last thing she's feeling right now.] Was there something you needed?
[From the room, maybe? She can't imagine him needing something from her, but she asks anyways. Jude is still an important person to her, and she'd help him out with anything even if he's still (rightfully) upset with her.]
So instead of answering, she simply opens the door, unsurprised at who it is but confused all the same.]
... Hello, Jude. [The same greeting as always, in the same calm tone as always, even if calm is the last thing she's feeling right now.] Was there something you needed?
[From the room, maybe? She can't imagine him needing something from her, but she asks anyways. Jude is still an important person to her, and she'd help him out with anything even if he's still (rightfully) upset with her.]
I wanted to... ah...
[ he pauses to twiddle with his thumbs. what is he, a nervous teenager? that's exactly what he is, actually. ]
Can we talk, 2B? I know you didn't want to see me again— but there are some things I'd like to say to you. I know it's a selfish request, but I hope you'll forgive that.
... And I'm not angry anymore, if that's what you're thinking. I just needed time.
[ he pauses to twiddle with his thumbs. what is he, a nervous teenager? that's exactly what he is, actually. ]
Can we talk, 2B? I know you didn't want to see me again— but there are some things I'd like to say to you. I know it's a selfish request, but I hope you'll forgive that.
... And I'm not angry anymore, if that's what you're thinking. I just needed time.
... I wish you were.
[It could almost be funny. Won't someone be mad at her the way she deserves? The way she's mad at herself? But she's not sure she's surprised by this either. That's Jude for you. Always too kind.]
It's not a selfish request, and there's nothing to forgive. I never said I didn't want to see you again. I only thought [hoped] you wouldn't want to see me again. [And he'd have every right to feel that way. Just like with 9S, it's difficult for her to understand why he wouldn't.] But we can talk, if you'd like.
[It could almost be funny. Won't someone be mad at her the way she deserves? The way she's mad at herself? But she's not sure she's surprised by this either. That's Jude for you. Always too kind.]
It's not a selfish request, and there's nothing to forgive. I never said I didn't want to see you again. I only thought [hoped] you wouldn't want to see me again. [And he'd have every right to feel that way. Just like with 9S, it's difficult for her to understand why he wouldn't.] But we can talk, if you'd like.
[ her sad words pierce his chest, make jude's lips curve into a sympathetic frown. she doesn't deserve to beat herself up like this. nobody does. now that jude knows the details, the why, he can't find it in him to hold a shred of anger anymore, but he doesn't have to when that anger is festering inside her and directed at none other than herself. ]
No. I never... I never planned on not seeing you again, 2B. You decided that.
Can I come in and sit down?
No. I never... I never planned on not seeing you again, 2B. You decided that.
Can I come in and sit down?
[She can only sight softly at that. Maybe he's right. She couldn't imagine him wanting to see her again, so she decided he shouldn't. But that's not all he wanted to say, so she stands aside and gestures him in.]
Of course. Please, make yourself comfortable.
[Although the only place to sit down is the bed, really. It's about sparsely furnished and decorated as possible, given that she hasn't really added anything that wasn't already here. It helps that she doesn't have much as far as personal belongings anyways, but it probably seems a bit desolate.]
Of course. Please, make yourself comfortable.
[Although the only place to sit down is the bed, really. It's about sparsely furnished and decorated as possible, given that she hasn't really added anything that wasn't already here. It helps that she doesn't have much as far as personal belongings anyways, but it probably seems a bit desolate.]
[ jude isn't surprised by the sparse furnishing; 9s' room is similar, after all. he didn't expect hers to be different.
he takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him, gesturing for her to come on over. ]
So...
[ a deep breath. ]
There are certain things about YoRHa that I don't think I'll ever understand, nor approve of, but... the biggest thing I didn't understand was that what happened between you and 9S wasn't your fault. I didn't understand that, if you could, you'd give anything to protect him. I didn't understand any of it.
[ jude rubs at the nape of his neck, unable to meet 2b's gaze even through the goggles. ]
And because I didn't understand, I lashed out.
9S is... important to me. And you're important to me, too, 2B. That's why it hurt so much. Because I admire you. I respect you. That hasn't changed. That won't change. But at the time... I thought it might.
And I'm sorry. I was naive.
he takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him, gesturing for her to come on over. ]
So...
[ a deep breath. ]
There are certain things about YoRHa that I don't think I'll ever understand, nor approve of, but... the biggest thing I didn't understand was that what happened between you and 9S wasn't your fault. I didn't understand that, if you could, you'd give anything to protect him. I didn't understand any of it.
[ jude rubs at the nape of his neck, unable to meet 2b's gaze even through the goggles. ]
And because I didn't understand, I lashed out.
9S is... important to me. And you're important to me, too, 2B. That's why it hurt so much. Because I admire you. I respect you. That hasn't changed. That won't change. But at the time... I thought it might.
And I'm sorry. I was naive.
[9S can do little better than sit there numbly, aware that he wasn't able to do anything to relieve the new burden he has just placed on her. He's entirely too still at first, having to remind himself after a collection of long moments has been and gone that he needs to respond to her, in some way. He should, although no words come to mind.
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
It feels to him that he's broken something he's unable to repair no matter how dearly he wants to. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt 2B with the truth, and it's clear to him that he has done just that. No matter what he says, it seems to only make matters worse.
Did forgiveness only hurt her even more?
For the time being, he's too afraid of causing more and worse to argue for any alternative. The way he picks himself up from his seat on the sand is a clumsy thing, entirely too stiff for an undamaged unit, and yet he's unable to help that. If she needs time, it means he ought to go, right? Before he makes something even worse]
I— [Still lack for a good response] ...Sorry, 2B.
[It would have been better to let her believe he didn't remember any of it. His shoulders sag under the weight of that awareness as he makes his leave]
[For a moment, she only stares at the spot he patted. In all honesty, she thinks she'd be more comfortable standing, but eventually she takes the seat, albeit sitting so there's a polite and respectful distance between them.
She listens to everything he says silently, taking it all in. Hearing his apology to her of all people.
And it's frustrating. Her hand balls the fabric of her skirt in her lap, but the more she tries to let it sink in, the more it bothers her. It sounds silly and illogical no matter how she looks at it, to be mad at the fact that Jude isn't mad at her anymore, but that's what this is, isn't it? She wants him to be mad at her. To resent her for what she did. Yet if her response to 9S' forgiveness was any indication, how her lack of understanding only upset him, she can only imagine that it'd be the same with Jude.
She's so tired of upsetting the people she cares about. But she can't understand why they continue to offer forgiveness when she doesn't deserve it.]
... You don't have to apologize. No, you have nothing to apologize for. [She never expected him to understand their situation. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't. Even if it's true that she'd give anything to protect 9S (never mind that she did), it doesn't change what she did. Instead, all she can do is ball her hand tighter.] But you should understand now why I don't deserve your admiration.
She listens to everything he says silently, taking it all in. Hearing his apology to her of all people.
And it's frustrating. Her hand balls the fabric of her skirt in her lap, but the more she tries to let it sink in, the more it bothers her. It sounds silly and illogical no matter how she looks at it, to be mad at the fact that Jude isn't mad at her anymore, but that's what this is, isn't it? She wants him to be mad at her. To resent her for what she did. Yet if her response to 9S' forgiveness was any indication, how her lack of understanding only upset him, she can only imagine that it'd be the same with Jude.
She's so tired of upsetting the people she cares about. But she can't understand why they continue to offer forgiveness when she doesn't deserve it.]
... You don't have to apologize. No, you have nothing to apologize for. [She never expected him to understand their situation. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't. Even if it's true that she'd give anything to protect 9S (never mind that she did), it doesn't change what she did. Instead, all she can do is ball her hand tighter.] But you should understand now why I don't deserve your admiration.
[ jude can hear her fists clenching, the rough squeak of leather, and he glances down at them and then back up to her face.
he keeps his voice carefully level when he speaks, just a single sentence in response. ]
Do you want be to be angry with you?
he keeps his voice carefully level when he speaks, just a single sentence in response. ]
Do you want be to be angry with you?
Edited 2017-11-21 14:23 (UTC)
[She's quiet for a long time after that. Logically, she knows this doesn't really make sense. There's definitely a part of her that's glad for Jude's forgiveness. He's important to her, and she cares about him a lot. It was heartbreaking to think that he wouldn't want to speak to her again.
But even if that hurt her, it didn't matter. That was what she deserved.]
I don't know what you want me to say. [She doesn't even know what she wants to say herself.]
But even if that hurt her, it didn't matter. That was what she deserved.]
I don't know what you want me to say. [She doesn't even know what she wants to say herself.]
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