[ here goes nothing. rip jude mathis. he's so nervous his palms are sweating, and he hates the fact that he's nervous around 2b. that isn't right. that isn't how things are supposed to be.
he very gently knocks on her bedroom door. he doesn't know how to start, so he doesn't say anything at all, simply waiting for her to answer. ]
[With the past few weeks, it's almost rare for her to be back in her room at the abandoned house, so she's definitely not expecting the knock on her door. Given who else she knows stays here, it's easy for her to figure out who must be on the other side of the door, but she's not sure what to think of that either. Why would Jude want to speak with her still?
So instead of answering, she simply opens the door, unsurprised at who it is but confused all the same.]
... Hello, Jude. [The same greeting as always, in the same calm tone as always, even if calm is the last thing she's feeling right now.] Was there something you needed?
[From the room, maybe? She can't imagine him needing something from her, but she asks anyways. Jude is still an important person to her, and she'd help him out with anything even if he's still (rightfully) upset with her.]
[ he pauses to twiddle with his thumbs. what is he, a nervous teenager? that's exactly what he is, actually. ]
Can we talk, 2B? I know you didn't want to see me again— but there are some things I'd like to say to you. I know it's a selfish request, but I hope you'll forgive that.
... And I'm not angry anymore, if that's what you're thinking. I just needed time.
[It could almost be funny. Won't someone be mad at her the way she deserves? The way she's mad at herself? But she's not sure she's surprised by this either. That's Jude for you. Always too kind.]
It's not a selfish request, and there's nothing to forgive. I never said I didn't want to see you again. I only thought [hoped] you wouldn't want to see me again. [And he'd have every right to feel that way. Just like with 9S, it's difficult for her to understand why he wouldn't.] But we can talk, if you'd like.
[ her sad words pierce his chest, make jude's lips curve into a sympathetic frown. she doesn't deserve to beat herself up like this. nobody does. now that jude knows the details, the why, he can't find it in him to hold a shred of anger anymore, but he doesn't have to when that anger is festering inside her and directed at none other than herself. ]
No. I never... I never planned on not seeing you again, 2B. You decided that.
[She can only sight softly at that. Maybe he's right. She couldn't imagine him wanting to see her again, so she decided he shouldn't. But that's not all he wanted to say, so she stands aside and gestures him in.]
Of course. Please, make yourself comfortable.
[Although the only place to sit down is the bed, really. It's about sparsely furnished and decorated as possible, given that she hasn't really added anything that wasn't already here. It helps that she doesn't have much as far as personal belongings anyways, but it probably seems a bit desolate.]
[ jude isn't surprised by the sparse furnishing; 9s' room is similar, after all. he didn't expect hers to be different.
he takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him, gesturing for her to come on over. ]
So...
[ a deep breath. ]
There are certain things about YoRHa that I don't think I'll ever understand, nor approve of, but... the biggest thing I didn't understand was that what happened between you and 9S wasn't your fault. I didn't understand that, if you could, you'd give anything to protect him. I didn't understand any of it.
[ jude rubs at the nape of his neck, unable to meet 2b's gaze even through the goggles. ]
And because I didn't understand, I lashed out.
9S is... important to me. And you're important to me, too, 2B. That's why it hurt so much. Because I admire you. I respect you. That hasn't changed. That won't change. But at the time... I thought it might.
[For a moment, she only stares at the spot he patted. In all honesty, she thinks she'd be more comfortable standing, but eventually she takes the seat, albeit sitting so there's a polite and respectful distance between them.
She listens to everything he says silently, taking it all in. Hearing his apology to her of all people.
And it's frustrating. Her hand balls the fabric of her skirt in her lap, but the more she tries to let it sink in, the more it bothers her. It sounds silly and illogical no matter how she looks at it, to be mad at the fact that Jude isn't mad at her anymore, but that's what this is, isn't it? She wants him to be mad at her. To resent her for what she did. Yet if her response to 9S' forgiveness was any indication, how her lack of understanding only upset him, she can only imagine that it'd be the same with Jude.
She's so tired of upsetting the people she cares about. But she can't understand why they continue to offer forgiveness when she doesn't deserve it.]
... You don't have to apologize. No, you have nothing to apologize for. [She never expected him to understand their situation. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't. Even if it's true that she'd give anything to protect 9S (never mind that she did), it doesn't change what she did. Instead, all she can do is ball her hand tighter.] But you should understand now why I don't deserve your admiration.
[She's quiet for a long time after that. Logically, she knows this doesn't really make sense. There's definitely a part of her that's glad for Jude's forgiveness. He's important to her, and she cares about him a lot. It was heartbreaking to think that he wouldn't want to speak to her again.
But even if that hurt her, it didn't matter. That was what she deserved.]
I don't know what you want me to say. [She doesn't even know what she wants to say herself.]
... I know things might not be able to go back to the way they used to be; I know life isn't that simple. But above all, we're friends, aren't we? At least tell me that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he very gently knocks on her bedroom door. he doesn't know how to start, so he doesn't say anything at all, simply waiting for her to answer. ]
no subject
So instead of answering, she simply opens the door, unsurprised at who it is but confused all the same.]
... Hello, Jude. [The same greeting as always, in the same calm tone as always, even if calm is the last thing she's feeling right now.] Was there something you needed?
[From the room, maybe? She can't imagine him needing something from her, but she asks anyways. Jude is still an important person to her, and she'd help him out with anything even if he's still (rightfully) upset with her.]
no subject
[ he pauses to twiddle with his thumbs. what is he, a nervous teenager? that's exactly what he is, actually. ]
Can we talk, 2B? I know you didn't want to see me again— but there are some things I'd like to say to you. I know it's a selfish request, but I hope you'll forgive that.
... And I'm not angry anymore, if that's what you're thinking. I just needed time.
no subject
[It could almost be funny. Won't someone be mad at her the way she deserves? The way she's mad at herself? But she's not sure she's surprised by this either. That's Jude for you. Always too kind.]
It's not a selfish request, and there's nothing to forgive. I never said I didn't want to see you again. I only thought [hoped] you wouldn't want to see me again. [And he'd have every right to feel that way. Just like with 9S, it's difficult for her to understand why he wouldn't.] But we can talk, if you'd like.
no subject
No. I never... I never planned on not seeing you again, 2B. You decided that.
Can I come in and sit down?
no subject
Of course. Please, make yourself comfortable.
[Although the only place to sit down is the bed, really. It's about sparsely furnished and decorated as possible, given that she hasn't really added anything that wasn't already here. It helps that she doesn't have much as far as personal belongings anyways, but it probably seems a bit desolate.]
no subject
he takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him, gesturing for her to come on over. ]
So...
[ a deep breath. ]
There are certain things about YoRHa that I don't think I'll ever understand, nor approve of, but... the biggest thing I didn't understand was that what happened between you and 9S wasn't your fault. I didn't understand that, if you could, you'd give anything to protect him. I didn't understand any of it.
[ jude rubs at the nape of his neck, unable to meet 2b's gaze even through the goggles. ]
And because I didn't understand, I lashed out.
9S is... important to me. And you're important to me, too, 2B. That's why it hurt so much. Because I admire you. I respect you. That hasn't changed. That won't change. But at the time... I thought it might.
And I'm sorry. I was naive.
no subject
She listens to everything he says silently, taking it all in. Hearing his apology to her of all people.
And it's frustrating. Her hand balls the fabric of her skirt in her lap, but the more she tries to let it sink in, the more it bothers her. It sounds silly and illogical no matter how she looks at it, to be mad at the fact that Jude isn't mad at her anymore, but that's what this is, isn't it? She wants him to be mad at her. To resent her for what she did. Yet if her response to 9S' forgiveness was any indication, how her lack of understanding only upset him, she can only imagine that it'd be the same with Jude.
She's so tired of upsetting the people she cares about. But she can't understand why they continue to offer forgiveness when she doesn't deserve it.]
... You don't have to apologize. No, you have nothing to apologize for. [She never expected him to understand their situation. It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't. Even if it's true that she'd give anything to protect 9S (never mind that she did), it doesn't change what she did. Instead, all she can do is ball her hand tighter.] But you should understand now why I don't deserve your admiration.
no subject
he keeps his voice carefully level when he speaks, just a single sentence in response. ]
Do you want be to be angry with you?
no subject
[It comes out in a soft exhalation, heavy and so tired. Really, what other answer could she have to that?]
I do.
*want me to be...
no subject
But even if that hurt her, it didn't matter. That was what she deserved.]
I don't know what you want me to say. [She doesn't even know what she wants to say herself.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ jude breathes out the biggest sigh of relief possible. ]
I really, really do.
[ he wants a lot of things. he wants 2b to stop hurting. but not everything can be fixed with words. maybe she just needs more time. ]
no subject
Then I guess you're still stuck with me.
no subject
There's no other 2B I'd rather be stuck with.
[ jude's smile is soft, both sincere and fond. ]