Because really, what else could it be? Something 9S let slip. Something that's been troubling him. It upset him, that's what 9S had said about it. He hadn't meant to tell Jude because he knew it would upset him.
But she lets herself play dumb for just a moment longer because the moment she stops, she knows it'll feel like she's being crushed by the sheer weight of her own feelings, enough to stop her breath. And she'll need that, to give Jude the answers he deserves. The way she's always known he deserves to know, no matter how hard she tried to put it behind her.
She just needs a moment to prepare herself. That's all. No matter how things might change, she'll accept it no matter what.]
YoRHa androids die very frequently, and Scanner models in particular have a tendency to die out on the field. With the spare bodies the Bunker provided for us, it was expected to die relatively often.
[Once again, she thinks it would be so very easy to leave it at that. That 9S's death were simply the result of being part of YoRHa. It's not technically wrong, to be honest. 9S only died so often because he's a YoRHa android.
Lying has never come easy to her. She's always had to make do with partial truths instead. She doesn't like that about herself either.]
But that's not what he meant either.
[It's almost funny, how familiar this feeling of dread has become. She can feel it in every circuit, in every wire that holds her together. To excel in battle requires the kind of keen intuition that tells you what to expect before it even happens. So really, she can't pretend to be surprised that things are turning out like this. She knew it from the start.]
I don't think he would've answered even if you asked. It's good that you asked me instead. [9S is always trying so hard to spare her from some kind of emotional hurt. That hurts in its own way, but it's about time she did the same for him.] You won't like it, though. [A pause, and then:] No, you won't like me.
[ 9s and die in the same sentence is troubling enough. imagining him suffering so much— imagining him going through all that without saying a word about it, not even a hint— is almost suffocating to jude.
there are so many thoughts swirling in his head, mixed emotions, fear and crushing sadness and heartache. how does 2b sound so calm? and, more importanly... ]
What do you mean, I won't like you? What do you have to do with this? I'm not following here.
[She laughs, short and hollow, but there's no joy in it. Nothing about this is funny. All there is is the self-disgust of someone who hates themselves more than anything else.]
Over and over and over again. I killed him more times than you could count.
[But she remembers each death, exactly how many times she killed him. How could she possibly forget that? And now, somehow, 9S remembered too. Sometimes, it felt like the weight of what she'd done would be enough to crush her, but it was never something she wanted to share either. No one needed to know this.
[ there are no words for what jude is feeling. shocked isn't enough. confused isn't enough. distraught isn't enough. horrified isn't enough. there's truly no word in the english language to describe how he's supposed to process this.
he just stares at her. blank. helpless. ]
Why? Why?
[ the look in his eyes is pleading. pleading with her to explain, to tell him that it's not true. to make this better. ]
[Because he wanted her to, he asked her to, but even if that was the truth, she never wanted to. Besides, what was the alternative? Command refused to cancel the mission, and even if she did, someone else would've killed 9S anyways. His death was inevitable, ensured, no matter what she tried to do to stop it.
In the end, that was what she was built for. The destruction of her fellow android. And they made every use of that, as they were meant to.]
9S attempted to illegally access YoRHa's main server multiple times. Therefore, I was ordered to terminate him. [And those really were her orders, almost word for word. From the flat deadness of her voice, it's easy to guess at how she's heard those words recited to her over and over.]
jude clenches his fists so hard his knuckles turn white. he can't look at her. he can't do anything. he can't move. he feels frozen in place. ]
What... would have happened, if you didn't follow those orders? If you chose to defy them?
[ his voice is carefully measured. it's a simple question — at least, jude thinks so. he doesn't realize how many layers there are to this, how complicated it is.
all he knows is that he feels completely and utterly betrayed. ]
Someone else would've been assigned to kill him. Possibly the both of us. There's no use for a soldier that can't perform what's asked of them.
[There's no use for a weapon that breaks, right? If she didn't kill 9S, there'd be no way to justify what it takes to maintain her. Not when someone else could easily perform as needed instead. That in and of itself wouldn't bother her, not when she'd been ready to die for so long, but that wasn't the problem.
She has very little doubt that even if she tried to defy orders, things would end the same way regardless.]
No matter what I tried to do, 9S always felt the need to try and access the main server. That's why Command felt it was necessary to eliminate him. [This isn't a defense for herself, and that's obvious in her tone. It's just the factual truth of why 9S died so many times.]
[The thought of it alone is horrifying beyond words to her, so much so that her voice could practically be a sob. But what does that matter in the end? She still hurt him. She still killed him. Nothing changes that, most especially her feelings.]
[ jude, humiliated, presses the balls of his fists to his eyes to make a pathetic attempt at hiding the fact that he's getting a bit choked up. his emotions are so overwhelming he can't stop them from spilling over. he couldn't stop them if he tried. his chest c
none of this is fair. none of it. 2b doesn't deserve this. 9s doesn't deserve this. nobody deserves this, it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair— ]
[There's no denial. So much of her existence has been tied to this single, repeated act, there's no point in even trying to pretend otherwise. In a way, there's almost something relieving for Jude to know. Even now 9S isn't upset with her for what she did. With Jude, at least someone is.
But there's something almost cruelly funny about that too. Can she ever simply care about someone, without having to hurt them too? She never would've wanted to upset Jude like this, but how could she not when he wanted the truth and deserved it?]
It's like I said. You won't like me. You shouldn't. [Why someone like her is the last person who deserves his admiration.] I should leave.
[There's no way she could possibly comfort him, as much as it pains her to see him so upset. But she thinks remaining with him will only hurt him more.]
[He's not looking at her, but she smiles at him anyways. Softly, gently, nearly heartbroken. She can scarcely breathe with how much it hurts. To lose her friendship with Jude is something that hurts more than she ever would've imagined. But ultimately, she thinks this is for the best. This isn't something that can be forgiven. She doesn't deserve forgiveness.
So she pulls her arm gently from him as she stands.]
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Because really, what else could it be? Something 9S let slip. Something that's been troubling him. It upset him, that's what 9S had said about it. He hadn't meant to tell Jude because he knew it would upset him.
But she lets herself play dumb for just a moment longer because the moment she stops, she knows it'll feel like she's being crushed by the sheer weight of her own feelings, enough to stop her breath. And she'll need that, to give Jude the answers he deserves. The way she's always known he deserves to know, no matter how hard she tried to put it behind her.
She just needs a moment to prepare herself. That's all. No matter how things might change, she'll accept it no matter what.]
What was it?
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"You don't know how many times I died because of something like that."
Those were his exact words.
[ they might as well be burned into his memory. ]
2B, I don't...
[ jude inhales, shoulders trembling. it's a stark contrast from the mood barely minutes ago. ]
I don't understand what he meant, by that, and I know bringing it back up will only upset him.
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[Once again, she thinks it would be so very easy to leave it at that. That 9S's death were simply the result of being part of YoRHa. It's not technically wrong, to be honest. 9S only died so often because he's a YoRHa android.
Lying has never come easy to her. She's always had to make do with partial truths instead. She doesn't like that about herself either.]
But that's not what he meant either.
[It's almost funny, how familiar this feeling of dread has become. She can feel it in every circuit, in every wire that holds her together. To excel in battle requires the kind of keen intuition that tells you what to expect before it even happens. So really, she can't pretend to be surprised that things are turning out like this. She knew it from the start.]
I don't think he would've answered even if you asked. It's good that you asked me instead. [9S is always trying so hard to spare her from some kind of emotional hurt. That hurts in its own way, but it's about time she did the same for him.] You won't like it, though. [A pause, and then:] No, you won't like me.
no subject
[ 9s and die in the same sentence is troubling enough. imagining him suffering so much— imagining him going through all that without saying a word about it, not even a hint— is almost suffocating to jude.
there are so many thoughts swirling in his head, mixed emotions, fear and crushing sadness and heartache. how does 2b sound so calm? and, more importanly... ]
What do you mean, I won't like you? What do you have to do with this? I'm not following here.
no subject
[She laughs, short and hollow, but there's no joy in it. Nothing about this is funny. All there is is the self-disgust of someone who hates themselves more than anything else.]
Over and over and over again. I killed him more times than you could count.
[But she remembers each death, exactly how many times she killed him. How could she possibly forget that? And now, somehow, 9S remembered too. Sometimes, it felt like the weight of what she'd done would be enough to crush her, but it was never something she wanted to share either. No one needed to know this.
But he's asking for the truth. He deserves that.]
That's what I have to do with this.
no subject
[ there are no words for what jude is feeling. shocked isn't enough. confused isn't enough. distraught isn't enough. horrified isn't enough. there's truly no word in the english language to describe how he's supposed to process this.
he just stares at her. blank. helpless. ]
Why? Why?
[ the look in his eyes is pleading. pleading with her to explain, to tell him that it's not true. to make this better. ]
no subject
[Because he wanted her to, he asked her to, but even if that was the truth, she never wanted to. Besides, what was the alternative? Command refused to cancel the mission, and even if she did, someone else would've killed 9S anyways. His death was inevitable, ensured, no matter what she tried to do to stop it.
In the end, that was what she was built for. The destruction of her fellow android. And they made every use of that, as they were meant to.]
9S attempted to illegally access YoRHa's main server multiple times. Therefore, I was ordered to terminate him. [And those really were her orders, almost word for word. From the flat deadness of her voice, it's easy to guess at how she's heard those words recited to her over and over.]
no subject
jude clenches his fists so hard his knuckles turn white. he can't look at her. he can't do anything. he can't move. he feels frozen in place. ]
What... would have happened, if you didn't follow those orders? If you chose to defy them?
[ his voice is carefully measured. it's a simple question — at least, jude thinks so. he doesn't realize how many layers there are to this, how complicated it is.
all he knows is that he feels completely and utterly betrayed. ]
no subject
[There's no use for a weapon that breaks, right? If she didn't kill 9S, there'd be no way to justify what it takes to maintain her. Not when someone else could easily perform as needed instead. That in and of itself wouldn't bother her, not when she'd been ready to die for so long, but that wasn't the problem.
She has very little doubt that even if she tried to defy orders, things would end the same way regardless.]
No matter what I tried to do, 9S always felt the need to try and access the main server. That's why Command felt it was necessary to eliminate him. [This isn't a defense for herself, and that's obvious in her tone. It's just the factual truth of why 9S died so many times.]
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[ inwardly, he's begging her to agree to that. he needs her to agree to that. ]
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[The thought of it alone is horrifying beyond words to her, so much so that her voice could practically be a sob. But what does that matter in the end? She still hurt him. She still killed him. Nothing changes that, most especially her feelings.]
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[ jude, humiliated, presses the balls of his fists to his eyes to make a pathetic attempt at hiding the fact that he's getting a bit choked up. his emotions are so overwhelming he can't stop them from spilling over. he couldn't stop them if he tried. his chest c
none of this is fair. none of it. 2b doesn't deserve this. 9s doesn't deserve this. nobody deserves this, it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair— ]
But you did. You did.
[ his voice is wet and so very, very small. ]
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[There's no denial. So much of her existence has been tied to this single, repeated act, there's no point in even trying to pretend otherwise. In a way, there's almost something relieving for Jude to know. Even now 9S isn't upset with her for what she did. With Jude, at least someone is.
But there's something almost cruelly funny about that too. Can she ever simply care about someone, without having to hurt them too? She never would've wanted to upset Jude like this, but how could she not when he wanted the truth and deserved it?]
It's like I said. You won't like me. You shouldn't. [Why someone like her is the last person who deserves his admiration.] I should leave.
[There's no way she could possibly comfort him, as much as it pains her to see him so upset. But she thinks remaining with him will only hurt him more.]
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[ but before she can, he reaches out to grasp her sleeve. ]
Just—
Just give me some time to think. Okay? I'll... I'll come to you when I'm ready. I don't know when that will be, but... I promise.
[ he ducks his head, hiding his face. he can't even look at her. ]
I'm sorry, 2B.
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[He's not looking at her, but she smiles at him anyways. Softly, gently, nearly heartbroken. She can scarcely breathe with how much it hurts. To lose her friendship with Jude is something that hurts more than she ever would've imagined. But ultimately, she thinks this is for the best. This isn't something that can be forgiven. She doesn't deserve forgiveness.
So she pulls her arm gently from him as she stands.]
Goodbye, Jude.
[And she walks away.]
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he can't recall the last time something hurt this much. ]
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