[She simply nods at first, looking back down into her lap. He's not wrong, by any means. There's a lot she's already experienced here that she's incredibly grateful for, things she wouldn't trade for anything. Here, as she is now, she can fulfill her duty. More than that, she could stay by 9S' side the way she's always wanted to. Without ever having to hurt him.
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
no subject
And she treasures that, more than anything.
But if she's honest with herself, these all came as of a result of something she'd never asked for. When she died, she understood completely that she would never be brought back online again, not even as a memory-wiped version of herself. And she'd accepted that. She was ready for it. She's not sure she felt so utterly at peace and content as when she closed her eyes for what she thought was the last time.
It was easier, she thinks. She didn't have to forgive herself. Now, faced once more with the weight of everything she's done, she's not sure she ever could. No, she doesn't even want to. 9S might want her to be happy, but when she doesn't think she deserves happiness, she can't even want it for herself. Not even for his sake.
Still, she doesn't tell him that. To tell him she doesn't want to forgive herself would only upset him further, and hasn't she done enough of that?]
... Sorry. I just need some time to think.