It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]
no subject
It's what she wants to say, and she almost does. If 9S made things hard for her, wasn't it only because she made things hard in the first place? If he put her through anything, wasn't it only something she put herself through to begin with? Besides, when she was already taking so much from him, how could she deny him one simple wish? All he asked for was to see her again. It seemed cruel to deny him so simple a thing when it was all but guaranteed.
But she remembers how badly she'd wanted to die when she asked him to kill her. She remembers how utterly relieved she'd felt when she saw 9S that last time, knowing that she'd not only protected him for once in her life, but that she wouldn't have to hurt him anymore because she'd be dead. That she wouldn't have to hurt anymore because she'd be dead. A combat model is always prepared to lose their life in battle, but she hadn't just been ready to die. She was waiting for it.
And 9S denied her it. She had to keep living, if only to kill him so he could see her again.
She bites her lip, ashamed of herself. She wants so badly to turn her hand to hold his own, gripping like he's the only thing keeping her afloat through the near sea of her guilt, but she can't bring herself to. Not when she doesn't deserve it. How could she begrudge him of anything when she was the last person who had the right to? This is nothing compared to what she did to him. She couldn't possibly have ever been mad with him, upset with him, for something like this. And yet throughout the endless cycle of killing and meeting, no matter how many times it repeated, she'd never actually had time to think about this. Maybe she never wanted to.
And that horrifies her.]
There shouldn't be anything to forgive. I shouldn't have to forgive you for anything. But...
[She presses her free hand to her eyes, willing herself not to shed tears. To her, it's not a matter of if she can forgive him or not. It's that there's even something to forgive on her part in the first place.
After all she's done, how could she possibly be the one doing the forgiving and not the other way around?]